Originally due in theatres 11 months ago, Against the Ropes finally comes to the big screen with all of the ferocity of a David Gest uppercut to the chin.  It's easily the worst film about boxing I've ever seen, and I've been trying to think of a sport-related flick equally as unappealing for the last two weeks.  I'm still drawing blanks.

Meg "I'm Not Just a Cute Li'l Pixie" Ryan stars as Jackie Kallen, and Ropes was "inspired" by this real-life character who became the biggest female muckety-muck to ever be involved in the world's seediest sport.  Kallen may have led an interesting life, but in Ropes, it's merely reduced to her attempt to break into the ranks of pugilism management via an unknown but talented fighter.  Everything else routed in reality is jettisoned, including the fact that the real Kallen was married for 30 years when this was all happening.

Instead, Ropes comes off as Ryan's attempt at achieving her own Erin Brockovich-type trip to the Oscar podium.  Trouble is, Brockovichhad a director, while Ropes has moonlighting actor Charles S. Dutton making his feature-film debut here.  I'm not sure if it's fair to blame Dutton for everything, but Ropes is unprofessional as all get-out.  The editing is bad. The sound is bad.  The score is bad.  The lighting is bad.  The writing might be the worst you'll experience all year.  The fight scenes are tragically uninspired.  The acting, from most parties, is laughable (the bigger the name, the worse the performance).

Ropes begins in 1972, where we see little Jackie being raised in a gym but not taken seriously because she's a girl.  30 years later, nothing has changed, as Jackie finds herself on the fringes of sports entertainment (she's the dogged, underappreciated assistant to the manager of the Cleveland Coliseum) but still not taken seriously (because she still has the vagina). A confrontation with a cocky local promoter (a truly terrible Tony Shalhoub) ends with Jackie buying the rights to one of his has-been fighters for a buck.

You would be wrong if you thought that fighter was "Lethal" Luther Shaw (Omar Epps), because Ropes is that much of a train wreck.  Shaw doesn't turn up until later and, honestly, I don't have the strength to explain how.  He's loosely based on James "Lights Out" Toney, who Jackie managed to a #1 ranking in real life.  Epps does fairly well with a very underdeveloped character.

The reason his role is underdeveloped is because Ropes is The Jackie Kallen Show.  There's no room for anyone else, which is funny considering the real-life characters who were cut out of the movie.  We're supposed to feel sorry for her at first (because of the vagina). Then we're supposed to hate her when she begins treating her friends like shit after she starts making a name for herself.  Then we're supposed to like her again when Jackie finally completes that inevitable 360.  I don't know about you, but I'm not willing to put that much effort into liking/disliking anyone in a film this crappy.

Since Ropes is The Jackie Kallen Show, Ryan falls on this sword hard, even though she makes a game attempt at a husky accent (it sounds like she's been licking ashtrays) of unknown origin (Midwest?  Brooklyn?  Who knows?).  Her performance isn't anywhere near as bad as Shalhoub's called-in effort, but it sure ain't nothing to write home about, either.  At least In the Cut had some nice technical distractions that could sidetrack your attention away from the general awfulness of it all.  No such luck with Ropes.

1:46 -

for crude language, violence, brief sensuality and some drug material