A Knight's Tale is a shining example of why you shouldn't listen to rock stars, because, contrary to what Robert Plant may have taught you, all that Gary Glitters is not gold.  Plant was probably alive in the 14th century, which is when Tale is set, but even he'd be shocked by what Brian Helgeland decided would be a good idea for a summer movie – setting a jousting tournament to songs that you'd hear blaring from an '86 Camaro full of guys with perms on their way to pee in the sink at an NFL game after loading up on Coors Light.

The good news is that nobody sings, but beyond that, you're on your own. Based loosely on the first story in Chaucer's "The Canterbury Tales," the film begins just outside a jousting competition, where three peasants are trying to decide what to do with their keeper, who has just expired as a result of what we assume to be a jousting-related injury.  Despite the fact that you need to be of noble descent to participate, William Thatcher (Heath Ledger, The Patriot) dons the dead man's armor and finishes the tournament, which features Queen's "We Will Rock You" as the audience claps, stomps and does The Wave.

When Thatcher wins, he and his two mates – Roland (Mark Addy, Down to Earth) and Wat (Alan Tudyk, 28 Days) – decide they'll joust for a month to make some money before going their separate ways.  The trio befriends a naked forgery expert - subtly named Geoffrey Chaucer (Paul Bettany) – who provides phony documents declaring Thatcher to be Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein (who I'm pretty sure was a drummer for Spinal Tap at one point).

Thatcher proves to be a natural at jousting, a sport that doesn't really translate into to much excitement on the screen.  While he captures the top spot in several tournaments, Thatcher makes an enemy of Count Adhemar (Rufus Sewell, Bless the Child) an undefeated jouster with crossed eyes, at the same time falling in love with a Lady named Jocelyn (Shannyn Sossamon).  It comes as no surprise to learn Adhemar is after the same woman, although it is a little strange that Thatcher continues to pursue her, when he seems to be a much better fit with a curvy blacksmith (Laura Fraser, Titus) who gives him dancing lessons and makes him a new, ultra-light armor (complete with Nike Swooshes...maybe it's supposed to be A Phil Knight's Tale).  C'mon, Sir Ulrich – why go after an anorexic Gia-wannabe when you've got a much more attractive girl sitting right next to you?

Tale's first two hours (yes, it's a 132-minute film about jousting) are all a set-up for the big showdown between Thatcher and Adhemar at the World Championships in London, which is somewhat of a homecoming for William as we learn his origin via kooky childhood flashbacks.  The highlight of the film comes when Chaucer, who is apparently an early ancestor of Michael Buffer, introduces Thatcher before each jousting competition.  He's a brilliant, fast-talking showman for what appears to be the equivalent of the WWF.

Writer/director Helgeland, probably best known for getting the heave-ho from Mel Gibson after Payback completed filming (as opposed to the Oscar he won for co-adapting L.A. Confidential), does nothing exciting or original with the incredibly bland story...unless you count the inclusion of those classic rock songs.  It's a bad idea that must have sounded as awful on paper as it comes off on the screen.  Some of the songs make sense in relation to the goings-on of the characters (like "The Boys Are Back In Town"), but most do not (like "Low Rider").  The only song that didn't immediately make me slap my hand to my forehead was Bowie's "Golden Years."

2:12 –

for action violence, some nudity and brief sex-related dialogue