America's Sweethearts could have been the summer's best romantic comedy but will instead be remembered as one of the season's biggest disappointments. Don't get me wrong – the film isn't awful, and, at times, it's quite entertaining.  Given the A-list cast, however, things should have clicked a little louder and a lot more often.

Sweethearts points its magnifying glass at the seedy world of Hollywood promotion - specifically, the press junket for a film called Time Over Time, which re-teams America's two favorite actors, husband and wife Gwen Harrison and Eddie Thomas (Catherine Zeta-Jones and John Cusack from High Fidelity).  Time is the 10th film the lovebirds have made together, but there are two major problems giving the film's producer (Stanley Tucci, Joe Gould's Secret) fits of anxiety.  For starters, Gwen and Eddie split up over a year ago, and to make matters worse, the director (scene-stealing Christopher Walken) has hijacked the final cut of the $87 million picture, leaving a beleaguered publicist named Lee (Billy Crystal, Analyze This) to do some creative spin control.

Lee's plan is to make the junket media believe Gwen and Eddie are back together, because "When (they're) together, the press forgets there's no film."  Easier said than done, considering Eddie has spent the last 18 months at The Wellness Center with a Bowfinger-like Svengali (a hilarious Alan Arkin).  Gwen won't be any easier to sway as she is convinced Eddie is a homicidal maniac out to get her and is currently involved with a Latin lover type named Hector (Hank Azaria, Tuesdays With Morrie).

Julia Roberts (The Mexican) plays Kiki, the careworn assistant (and sister) of Gwen, who, as we learn in a flashback, used to be 60 pounds heavier and has always carried a torch for Eddie.  Kiki is the calm, kindly, intelligent Ying to Gwen's bitchy, self-centered and dumb Yang, and thusly, we must root not for Eddie and Gwen to reconcile, but for Eddie to realize he really loves Kiki.  He's Lloyd Dobler, for Christ's sake – he should be with a real girl.

In addition to failing to go far enough in its attempt to satirize the star mentality, Sweethearts also delivers the moral that you can't win the guy unless you lose a bunch of weight.  Aside from Roberts, the leads are all way too annoying and bland, and are easily outshined by each supporting role. And if it seems to you like Crystal gets all of the script's good jokes, it's because he wrote it (with Bedazzled's Peter Tolan).  This is the first film directed by Joe Roth since 1990's Coupe de Ville (he's the guy who left Disney to create the studio that made Sweethearts).

The Hector role, which was supposed to go to crackhead Robert Downey, Jr, is completely overused and becomes an increasing aggravation in Sweethearts final reel.  The more Hector talks, the more he sounds like a gay Apu from The Simpsons.  What's with the white guy playing a Latino, anyway?  Why not get Antonio Banderas or Luis Guzman?  And, Jesus H. Christ – is anybody else tired of seeing celebrities in fat suits?  Hope not, because after Julia (and the talentless Martins Short and Lawrence), we'll see Gwyneth don one in a few months for the Farrelly brothers’ Shallow Hal.

The more clueless critics who are familiar with junkets will love the inside jokes (a la Roberts' Notting Hill) without realizing the film is making fun of how incredibly stupid they are.  The audience gets the same treatment, learning that the quality of a film doesn't matter one bit compared to what the tabloids are writing about its stars.  But the ultimate irony is that a film that preaches about the promotion of a dud is itself a dud.

1:40 –

for language, some crude and sexual humor