Stupid people like to make the argument that there just aren't any good roles for older women.  I don't necessarily believe that's true, but the pandering, annoying and completely artificial The Banger Sisters definitely makes a strong case for the stupid people.  I mean, how much lower can you get than a film with two extremely unlikable female leads preaching a message about the empowerment women receive when they let famous guys fuck them?  In that regard, Sisters is one step above a snuff film. 

The film is about a pair of women who used to be "famous" groupies back in the heyday of the Hollywood rock 'n' roll scene (they were allegedly named the Banger Sisters by Frank Zappa, who, by the way, is notorious for never sleeping with groupies – nice attention to detail, guys!).  Set two decades after their last hurrah, the opening scene depicts Suzette (Goldie Hawn, The Out-of-Towners) being fired from her bartending job at the Whisky A Go-Go, despite having screwed Jim Morrison on the bathroom floor.  Completely broke, Suzette decides to drive to Phoenix to hit up former sidekick Vinny (Susan Sarandon, Anywhere But Here) for a quick loan so she can get back on her feet.  Vinny, we're told, married into money and should be flush with cash to spare for an old friend.

"Flush with cash" turns out to be an understatement, which we and Suzette learn when she pulls up in front of Vinny's gigantic mansion.  Instead of barreling in like a bull in a china shop, which seems to be her MO, Suzette turns around and leaves because Vinny's daughter Hannah (Erika Christensen, Swimfan) is about to board a huge limousine en route to her senior prom.  This is a dopey plot device used merely so Suzette will  recognize Vinny's daughter in the next scene, where she saves Hannah from an acid overdose.

What follows should be found in the dictionary next to the word "predictable."  Vinny, whose husband (Robin Thomas, Clockstoppers) is a powerful attorney with political aspirations, wants nothing to do with Suzette or her past, but she's eventually worn down, cutting her hair, throwing away her designer suits and shocking the hell out of her husband and two kids (Eva Amurri plays the other daughter).  There's absolutely no way this story could end well in real life (but I would have liked to see THAT film).  At best, I was hoping they'd go clubbing, get chased by the cops and have to drive off a cliff.

I'm almost at a loss trying to decide which things to complain about because there are just too many to list here.  We're never told why Suzette hasn't tried to contact Vinny for 20 years.  There are numerous scenes in which characters practically whisper to each other while standing a few feet away from where a rock band is performing, and there is a completely ridiculous subplot involving Suzette becoming a muse for a failed, anal-retentive writer (Geoffrey Rush, Lantana).  Trevor Rabin's score is the worst I've heard since Miami Vice left the air.  Perhaps they had to spend every dime of the budget on the lighting in hopes these two old bags might look less decrepit.

Cast because she's Sarandon's daughter, Amurri's character turns out to be the most interesting in the film.  But the nepotism doesn't end there, as Hawn's son-in-law Chris Robinson lends songs to the soundtrack.  Her role seems to be a pathetic attempt to say, "If my overrated daughter can get an Oscar nomination for playing a groupie, why can't I?"  It becomes even clearer when Suzette has the artsy, slo-mo dancing scene set to a classic rock song (Robert Plant's "[Walk Me Out In The] Morning Dew"), just like Penny Lane did with Cat Stevens' "The Wind" in Almost Famous.

Hawn's Suzette is the irritating sort who thinks she's the center of the universe and believes she holds the answer to all of life's mysteries (her solution generally seems to be "Well, I can give you a great handjob"), even though her own life is completely fucked up.  But I'm not sure it's as fucked up as that of the career of Sisters' writer-director Bob Dolman, who makes his debut behind the camera here, after serving as a screenwriter on Ron Howard duds like Willow and Far and Away.

1:37 -

for language, sexual content and some drug use