You can’t blame the story – it’s a classic. But why does it take a full 60 minutes for Hoffman’s script to really get moving? You can’t blame the production crew (featuring Oscar winners for Howards End and The Age of Innocence) – they create a wonderfully lush dream world. But its leafy green paradise is almost obscured by a bigger, brighter, olive-hued disaster.

That’s right – I’m talking about Calista Flockhart’s teeth, and the way she shrieks each line sort of makes you want to jam your finger down her throat, too. Love may make fools of us all, but Ally McAnnoying sets a whole new standard. (1:55 – for adult situations and brief nudity

In Martian, Daniels (in the Bill Bixby role) plays a Santa Barbara television news producer who stumbles onto a crashed spaceship and meets the alien Lloyd (in the Ray Walston role). He acclimates the visitor to the ways of Earth while protecting him from the exploiters that seem to lurk around every corner. The story is as ghastly as the acting, and Hurley’s performance, while probably intentionally annoying, ranks among the worst-ever by a British actress (and, yes, I am counting the unholy demons of Spice).

At the end, viewers are treated to a preachy environmental message, which is a nice bookend to the ridiculous Mickey Mouse cartoon that precedes the feature. Kids will love the frightening scenes featuring a shirtless Lloyd and adults will cherish the moments when Hurley is braless. (1:28 – for some mild adult situations and a scary alien [a la Men in Black] at the end)

The latest IMAX film is about an old codger (Omar Sharif, The Thirteenth Warrior) and his granddaughter (Kate Maberly, The Secret Garden), the latter of whom wants to hear her elderly relative tell her exciting stories about Egyptian mummies and curses.  But instead, Grandpa prattles on and on about the history of the Nile and the great civilization of Egypt that was able to excel because of the mighty river.  He goes on about British archaeologists trying to hunt down King Tut’s tomb, while the kid pretends to be interested – just like when your grandpa used to bore you with stories of walking uphill to school in both directions.  Mysteries is just too educational, and that can’t be good – can it?  Egypt’s monuments look amazing enough in pictures and on television.  ‘Nuff said.

0:38 – for God, they should have charged us half-price