PLANET SICK-BOY MOVIE CAPSULES

Nominated for a near-record thirteen Oscars, this Best Picture winning romantic comedy focuses on the pre-fame life of Bill Shakespeare (Joseph Fiennes), who finds himself suffering from a wicked cxase of writers block. He hopes his current project, "Romeo and Ethyl, the Pirates Daughter," will jumpstart both his creative juices and the popularity of his struggling theater, owned by an incredibly hammy Geoffrey Rush.

Although ladies were not allowed to perform on stage in that time, Bill decides to cast a lovely dame (Best Actress Oscar winner Gwyneth Paltrow) as his Romeo. As their relationship blossoms, the play transforms into the tragic wonder that we all read in the ninth grade. Excellent acting all around (even from the incredibly unhammy Ben Affleck) in this rare example of a stuffy period piece that makes you laugh until popcorn shoots out of your nose. (2:03 – for nudity, mild violence and adult situations)

What can you say about Saving Private Ryan that hasn’t been said already? Is it an Oscar frontrunner? You bet – it will probably rack up at least eight or nine nominations. Is it the greatest war movie of my lifetime? Even if you say it’s not, Ryan should be happy just to be mentioned in the same breath as Oliver Stone’s Platoon, Stanley Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket, Francis Ford Coppola’s Apocalypse Now and John Woo’s Bullet in the Head. Ryan still holds its own even in this Grade A company.

What? The story? Perennial Oscar fav Steven Speilberg directs perennial Oscar fav Tom Hanks in this World War II epic. Hanks must lead his platoon deep into Nazi strongholds to find one Private Ryan (Matt Damon), a soldier who has had three brothers killed during combat. The now legendary first thirty minutes are nothing short of dazzling and may be some of the finest film ever shot. But the real star is cinematographer Janusz Kaminski, whose dizzying camera movements making Ryan seem nowhere near its long running time (unlike Zorro). (2:38 – for extreme graphic violence and filthy language)

Now matter how vulgar you think this film will be, it will still surprise you. I’ve been cussing for about thirty years now and South Park: B, L&U actually taught me some new words. How it escaped an NC-17 rating is completely beyond me. The picture starts off gut-wrenchingly hysterical, but after about thirty minutes, it becomes too much to watch. Sort of like Robin Williams’ career.

After being shocked by the filthy language, you may be even more startled to learn that the film is really a musical. Actually, it’s quite a good musical. The songs are catchier than anything from recent Disney memory, plus they have dirty words.

And after being surprised by the fact that the film is a musical (creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone also made Cannibal: The Musical), you will notice that the film actually has a really strong story with a very important and topical theme – irresponsibly blaming everything in sight for the woes of America’s youth. In this case, the parents of South Park denounce the film Ass of Fire, the first movie featuring the flatulent Canadian television stars Terrance and Phillip, for corrupting the town’s children. Like they weren’t already. (1:28 – for very strong adult language, cartoon boobs and a very un-cartoonish penis)

Sean Patrick Flanery (Powder) plays a smug owner of a posh uptown Manhattan department store and has a strange fetish for paper airplanes. Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy, the Vampire Slayer) is the chef at a struggling downtown eatery, changes clothes often and never wears an apron (her outfits were designed by Todd Oldham). The two teen heartthrobs are matched up by this cupid-like crab that makes a noise like the idol on the Hawaiian vacation episode of The Brady Bunch every time that it works its magic. Hey, I ain’t makin’ this stuff up.

This film is probably worse than a root canal, but I’ve never had one so I can’t be sure. Flanery is a mess and comes off as a taller, slightly more refined Pauly Shore. The bad acting in the film is often accentuated by a glaringly noticeable lack of a score in some scenes. Though it does have a stellar supporting cast, Irresistible wastes the talents of Dylan Baker (Happiness) and Betty Buckley (Eight is Enough), letting only Patricia Clarkson (High Art) steal the occasional scene. This is filmmaking at its worst. Save a place on your "Worst Films of the Year" list. (1:35 – for some mild sexual situations)

Inspired by John Irving’s story A Prayer for Owen Meany, this drama is the first of two book adaptations about physically challenged young boys (The Mighty opens October 23^rd and is vastly inferior). Simon is the sassy-talking imp who, knowing that his life span is relatively short, believes that his purpose in life is to act as a vessel for God in some capacity or another. Wonderfully acted and warmly shot, the film is both touching and tragic. (1:53 –

for mild adult language and themes)

DenZZZel Washington is back in his usual rigid, by the numbers, law-enforcement-type role. This time, he’s tracking down the terrorists intent on blowing New York City into one big melting pot - literally. The attempted sexual banter between Washington and co-star Annette Bening borders on, well, just plain boring. Disappointing material from the usually reliable Edward Zwick (Legends of the Fall) is saved only by Roger Deakins’ (The Big Lebowski) amazing photography. (1:53 –

for violence, terrorism, language and the dead animal on Bruce Willis’ head)

Winner of several prestigious awards at Cannes and Sundance, Slam introduces American film audiences to modern poetry as a combatant event – kind of a more intelligent cousin of the rap music that the kids seem so into. Real-life poet Saul Williams stars as Ray Joshua, a dope-pusher in a Washington, DC project called Dodge City. He gets busted for possession and hones his skill as a street muse in the pokey. Sonja Sohn (also a real-life poet) co-stars as the girl who tries to set him on the path of righteous justice. The poetry is phenomenal, but the rest is pretty ordinary. (1:43 –

for harsh language and adult situations)