It seems there are three routes a film can take if said picture is a whimsical, ninety-minute comedy set in the British Isles.  There’s the Full Monty course, which leads to critical acclaim, multiple Oscar nominations and a healthy box office take.  There’s the Waking Ned Devine path, which results in mixed reviews but fantastic audience response and strong word of mouth.  And, of course, there is least desirable road previously traveled by The Matchmaker, which was widely panned and even more widely unseen.

The Closer You Get has elements of each of these films – it’s produced by Monty’s Uberto Pasolini, set in a wee Irish town like Devine, and its romantic theme is similar to that of The Matchmaker.  And like the other three, Closer’s story is an unbelievably lightweight but somewhat charming fable.  But in terms of overall execution, the picture ends up taking the unfortunate route of The Matchmaker. It’s not bad, but the film definitely seems amateurish (it’s the first for director Aileen Ritchie and screenwriter William Ivory).

Set in the Irish coastal town of Donegal, Closer is narrated by a teenager named Sean (Sean McDonagh, in his film debut).  A dead-ringer for American Pie’s Jason Biggs (he even asks a friend what sex feels like, but doesn’t actually assault any pastries), Sean tells the viewers how tired he is of taking the rowboat into town, drinking at the pub and then rowing home every night.  His repetitive exploits mimic the daily grind of every other single man in Donegal, including butcher Kieran O'Donnell (Ian Hart, The End of the Affair), sheep farmer Ian O’Donnell (Sean McGinley, The General) and rubber-valve fetishist Ollie (Pat Shortt).

One night, these lads cook up a crazy, alcohol-fueled idea – place a personal ad in the Miami Herald and entice hot American babes to accompany them to their town’s annual St. Martha's Day dance, and presumably much, much more (read: hot Irish luvin’).  Their crass ad targets fit and trim women between the ages of twenty and twenty-one who seek outdoorsmen with an ample supply of meats and fish.  Basically, they have a better chance of find a winning lottery ticket in the hand of a local dead man.

When the women in Donegal learn of the men’s scheme, they become understandably upset, but that doesn’t stop the chaps from venturing into previously unknown realms of hygiene, haircuts, fitness and heavy oyster consumption.  Of course, at the end, most of the men predictably end up paired with local gals, despite their wish for broads from abroad.  Toward Closer’s end, a character explains that “Sometimes the closer you get to something, the further away it seems.”  I think the driver’s side mirror on my car imparts the same sort of wisdom.

The whole thing plays out like an extra-long episode of television’s Emmy Award-winning Northern Exposure, with its far-fetched plot and a zany cast of isolated small-town irregulars.  Like NX, characters include “the woman that runs the grocery store/post office” (Ruth McCabe, Circle of Friends), “the cute local girl” (Cathleen Bradley, in her film debut), “the guy that runs the business where everyone hangs out” (Ewan Stewart, Titanic), and even “the guy with the leather jacket and long black hair” (Pat Laffan).

Speaking of hair, Hart is almost unrecognizable (again…I’m not even sure what he’s supposed to look like at this point) and has a strange, floppy hair-do like Gary Oldman from The Fifth Element.  Then, to prepare for the onslaught of American beauties, Hart’s Kieran bleaches his locks, which makes him look like a cross between Oldman and rock ‘n’ roll ghoul Johnny Winter.  Even though this butcher runs around singing the Bernstein/Sondheim hit “America” and is constantly readjusting his meats (the bits in his pants, not in his shop’s display case), you know he’s a perfect match for his lovely co-worker Siobhan (Bradley).  The ending is even more predictable than Rachel Portman’s (recent Oscar nominee for The Cider House Rules) repetitive score.

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