The tagline for Collateral Damage, the new Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle about seeking revenge against a terrorist, is "What would you do if you lost everything?" which is pretty damn funny considering ol' Arnie is clinging embarrassingly to a career in action flicks despite not appearing in anything worth the price of admission in about eight years.  He's as cinematically relevant as Sly Stallone, and, frankly, the only reason Hollywood hasn't put him down yet is because of Terminator 3: The Rise of the Machines (well, that and a very real fear that Maria Shriver will swoop down and drain the blood from their collective necks).

In Damage, Arnie (The Sixth Day) plays L.A. firefighter Gordon Brewer, a happily married father who watches his wife (Lindsay Frost) and young son (Ethan Dampf) get cut to ribbons when a terrorist detonates a bomb at the Colombian consulate office that happens to be next-door to an outdoor café at which they were eating.  At first, Gordon feels guilty because he was late picking them up, but the remorse quickly turns to a searing rage when he discovers the government (those pricks!) aren't going to do anything about catching the man responsible for the devastation, despite knowing the bomber's identity (he's called "the Wolf" and is played by Training Day's Cliff Curtis).

Fifteen minutes later, contrary to everyone's advice, Gordon is in Colombia with the sole purpose of killing the Wolf and anyone else who gets in his way. And can I just say how amusing (and unintentionally so) it is to see this giant white man trying to communicate with little brown people?  I can barely understand this guy; how is a Colombian going to figure out what he's saying?  Anyway, Gordon is constantly on the run from rebels, stopping occasionally to meet a zany character or two (Johns Turturro and Leguizamo surface briefly to liven things up) and acquire a replacement wife (Hannibal's Francesca Neri) and kid (Tyler Posey) who aid him in his mission.

Historically, director Andrew Davies' work is all over the map, from hit (The Fugitive) to miss (Chain Reaction) to everything in between (A Perfect Murder).  Since his next film is Under Siege 3, however, I was actually holding out hope for Damage, which was yanked from the release schedule after the 9/11 terrorist attacks.  In his defense, there's probably only so much you can accomplish with a stone-faced lead actor whose only expression can be best described as "Grimace," whether his character is supposed to be horrified, angry, afraid or has just been zapped with a taser gun.  Davis is even starting to revisit scenes that put him on the map, like when he makes Arnie leap off that giant waterfall.

At the end of Damage – and I hope I'm not ruining the finale for any of you knuckle-draggers out there – there wasn't a big cheer when Gordon finally offed the Wolf, like you might expect in this post-9/11 world (maybe it's because Damage wasn't fortunate enough to work in the patriotism angle). The audience did seem glad, though.  Glad it was over.

1:55 –

for violence and some language