There wasn't one part of me that wanted to see The Country Bears, and the only reasons I went were as follows: 1) The theatre was near Bed Bath & Beyond, and I was in the market for a shower curtain; 2) The running time was only 85 minutes; and 3) Christopher Walken was listed in the credits.  Damn my need for new bathroom accoutrements!  Bears is even worse than I imagined a movie ever could be, which is really, really bad (it's based on a frigging amusement park ride, for chrissake).

The first in what we can only imagine will be a full slate of DisneyWorld-rides-turned-feature-films (adaptations of Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion are already in the works...seriously), Bears is about a young bear named Beary Barrington (voiced by Haley Joel Osment) who lives with a family of regular human folk.  For some reason, Beary has never felt like he fits in, so when brother Dex (Eli Marienthal, Stifler's brother from American Pie) tells him he's adopted, Beary runs away from home.  Instead of heading to a friend's house, or the local rub-and-tug parlor, Beary sets his sights on Country Bear Hall, which is where his all-time favorite band – the long-defunct Country Bears – got their start before becoming one of the world's biggest musical acts.

When he gets there, Beary discovers the place is rundown and about to be demolished by an evil banker (Walken) unless $20,000 can be raised in just four days.  Guess what?  Beary tries to get the four members of the Country Bears to reunite for a benefit show that will save the Hall.  Cue the road trip to find the Bears, as well as a subplot involving Beary's parents' belief that he was kidnapped (particularly hysterical, given the recent rash of real-life child abductions) and the two Fife-ish policemen (Daryl "Chill" Mitchell and Diedrich Bader, the latter of whom has finally found something less funny than The Drew Carey Show) dispatched to return the cub to his suburban home.

Does Bears suck?  Do bears crap in the woods?  Never mind the lack of content (it's only about 20 minutes, if you don't count the numerous non-rockin' tunes) and the ridiculous plot holes (we never learn why the Bears broke up, or if there are any other Bear creatures living amongst us who don't notice any difference between the two very different species).  This is a movie about Bears playing guitars (with big, clunky claws!) and harmonica (without lips!), but, for some reason, not drums.  I mean, that would be totally ridiculous, right?

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