In Cocktail, Tom Cruise’s character became a bartender because he dreamed of owning his own bar and becoming a millionaire.  In Coyote Ugly, Piper Perabo slings drinks because she has in insatiable urge for hard liquor and man-meat.

Well, that’s not true at all.  If you’ve seen Ugly’s trailer, you’d think the film was about a bunch of slinky bartenders who can’t get enough men.  But Ugly is only rated PG-13, and its characters don’t ooze sex any more than a Britney Spears video.  The closest thing to nudity in the film is Perabo’s shadow in a dressing room.

Will guys be disappointed with Ugly after being assaulted with the promise of sex and various state of feminine undress in the film’s marketing campaign?  It’s a distinct possibility, since Ugly actually plays like a chick-flick by portraying men as knuckle-dragging Neanderthals and women as the cooler, calmer sex.  Where the hell is Russ Meyer when you need him?

Perabo (The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle) plays Violet Sanford, the daughter of a New Jersey tollbooth collector (John Goodman, What Planet Are You From?).  Although she suffers from stage fright, Violet dreams of becoming a successful songwriter - a career that her deceased mother attempted and failed before Violet was born.  Her career ambitions take her from a job in a suburban pizza parlor to a filthy, cramped Chinatown apartment.

Violet quickly learns that the big city chews up and spits out girls like her on a regular basis.  Everyone she meets seems to be a bitter, failed musician.  Before you know it, she’s chased off an open mike stage by a pair of drunken hecklers and, of course, her grimy apartment is burglarized.  Down on her luck and out of money, Violet ends up taking a job from Lil (Maria Bello, Payback) who owns a popular bar in Manhattan’s meat-packing district.  The catch is that she has to wear skimpy outfits, flirt with the customers and perform bar-top dances with her sexy co-workers Zoe (supermodel Tyra Banks), Rachel (Bridget Moynahan, Sex and the City) and Cammie (Izabella Miko, in her film debut).

Predictably, Violet is horrible at her new job, but slowly becomes as skilled and popular as her co-workers.  She even develops a relationship with an Australian expatriate named Kevin (Adam Garcia, Wilde).  Their romance is fairly interesting, despite being one of those typical Hollywood affairs, with the girl initially hating the guy until he finally wears her down with his relentless pursuit.

Perabo, who at times is a dead-ringer for Julia Roberts, can do the sweet and innocent thing really well, but her character is oddly written to be intermittently a naïve pussycat and a quick-talking hard ass.  It left me scratching my head.  In most inexperienced-person-goes-to-the-big-city films, the character stays green until the final reel.  But not in Ugly.  The supporting roles are all flimsily sketched, but Aussie actress Melanie Lynskey (But I’m A Cheerleader) is a stand out based on her chunky Jersey accent alone.

Ugly is the directorial debut of David McNally, and its script was written by Gina Wendkos, who is best known for a little-seen 1992 Jami Gertz film called Jersey Girl (which was described as a Cinderella story with big hair).  The picture was produced by Jerry Bruckheimer (Gone in 60 Seconds, Armageddon), who usually makes huge summer blockbusters with flimsy female characters.  Ugly isn’t Bruckheimer’s only venture away from his typical testosterone-driven resume – the producer’s football flick Remember the Titans hits theatres next month.

Interestingly, Ugly uses the Gloria Gaynor song “I Will Survive” in one of its major scenes, as does The Replacements, which opens one week after Ugly premieres.  Also of note is a pet cat that mysteriously appears in Violet’s apartment.  Country crooner LeAnn Rimes appears in the film’s final scene, which makes no sense at all even after you find out that Rimes provides the voice for all of Violet’s singing scenes.  In short, Ugly is kind of like an all-night drinking binge – it’s a fun blur while it’s happening, but you’ll barely be able to remember it the next day.

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