Every film with Bette Midler should start with her driving off of a cliff.  It could be a recurring cinematic gag – like when Kenny buys the farm on each episode of South Park.  Somebody actually suggested that Midler’s new film Drowning Mona would be entertaining because she was playing a character that was really despicable and obnoxious.  I explained that Midler has already done despicable and obnoxious five weeks ago in the atrocious Isn’t She Great, and hinted that the horse-faced diva probably wasn’t even acting in either film.

Midler stars as Mona Dearly, a vindictive meanie from Verplanck, New York, who terrorizes her family and anybody else stupid enough to cross her path.  When Mona’s Yugo takes a swan dive into the Hudson River and the resulting investigation reveals that her brakes were tampered with, everyone in the tiny burg becomes a suspect.  Husband Phil (William Fichtner, Go) is having an affair with a slutty waitress named Rona (Jamie Lee Curtis, Virus), so they both have a motive.  As does son Jeff (Marcus Thomas, Palmetto), although I won’t say why (even though Mona’s trailer shows it, the film saves it for the big final reel surprise). 

Sheriff Wyatt Rash (Danny DeVito, Man on the Moon) can’t even rule out his own daughter Ellen (Neve Campbell, Scream 3) or her fiancé Bobby Calzone (Casey Affleck, 200 Cigarettes), the latter of whom owns a struggling landscaping business with the lazy, dimwitted Jeff.  As Rash investigates the crime, the film flashes back to show everybody’s individual beef with the late Mona.  The result is a sloppy whodunit that tries too hard to be quirky and, instead, is a pretty darn dull knock-off of Fargo.  Most of the funny parts are shown in the trailer and, of course, the ending is pretty predictable.  The only surprise in the film is that Affleck (Ben’s brother) has the biggest role in the film, despite four other names reading above Mona’s title.

Mona is another weak big-screen directorial effort from Nick Gomez, who has done some much better work on television (Homicide, The Sopranos and OZ), and the paper-thin script was written by first-timer Peter Steinfeld.  Mona was financed by DeVito’s Jersey Films, a production company the diminutive actor runs with Hollywood cohorts Michael Shamberg and Stacy Sher.  While Jersey has pumped out some of the best cinema in recent years (Gattaca, Pulp Fiction and Out of Sight), they’re also creating a disturbing trend by casting their littlest partner in their projects that are, at best, mediocre (Get Shorty, Man on the Moon and Living Out Loud).  DeVito isn’t in Jersey’s upcoming Erin Brockovich, so you may just want to save your money for that film.

1:30 - for some thematic elements, language and brief sexuality