Odds are Eight Below will leave you entrenched in one of two obvious camps.  The first will embrace the film as a timeless tale of friendship and survival against all odds.  I like to call the members of this group “idiots,” meaning I fall into the second faction: People who can recognize manipulative, button-pushing pap from at least 50 paces.

Below, which is “inspired by a true story” (read: only its crux is legit), is largely set in the freezing, inhabitable wasteland of Antarctica, which makes it even funnier when the character played by acting dynamo Paul Walker still manages to be shirtless in the film’s first scene.  Walker (Into the Blue) plays Gerry Shepherd, one of just a handful of employees at an American research facility which, so far as viewers can tell, exists only as a playground for scientists with large endowments to conduct wacky exploratory missions.

Because winter is upon them, the facility workers begin packing it in for the season.  Shepherd is forced to temporarily leave his eight-unit sled dog team behind because there isn’t enough room in the plane to civilization on the initial trip.  But when a storm starts a-brewin’, all return trips to the area are called off…until spring.  Which means Shepard’s “kids” will be left to fend for themselves for months.  Also, did I mention Shepard left them chained to a giant stake?

This all happens within the film’s first 45 minutes, leaving the remaining 1:15 to focus on two distinct story threads.  There’s the gay half, in which Shepard mopes around America because he can’t talk anyone into risking their lives and money to save his dogcicles, while deciding whether or not he wants to bang a hot pilot chick (Moon Bloodgood).  And there’s the other half, which is comprised of large and thankfully Walker-less chunks of film in which we see the dogs – after breaking free from the constraints of their collars – have a series of Homeward Bound-type adventures.  I almost called this half “good,” but then I realized everything contained within is totally speculation.  I think I was momentarily blinded just because the dogs are able to emote way more than Walker can.  It’s also more than a little distracting that the weather conditions in Antarctica never seen all that threatening, since weather is the reason the huskies were never retrieved.  Bad Doppler, I guess.

Below is also “inspired” by a 1983 Japanese film called Antarctica, in which just two of 15 stranded huskies lived.  You can expect a much friendlier survival rate because Below is a Disney movie.  But be prepared: Dogs do die in this picture.  You will get choked up when it happens, even if you’re part of the non-idiot group discussed in the first paragraph.

2:00 – for some peril and brief mild language