Since Americans seem to have a thing for overly-long, poorly-written movies about ships, treasure and the Caribbean which star extremely flat-chested female leads, they’ll no doubt find themselves quite enamored (and, more than likely, completely drool-covered) by the appropriately titled Fool’s Gold, the latest re-teaming of Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey, the Gen-X version of Hepburn and Tracy.  For those of you keeping track at home, this makes Gold somewhat of a hybrid of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Into the Blue, the Paul Walker/Jessica Alba disaster which also featured gorgeous blue water, white sand, and characters who could hold their breath longer than Aquaman whenever required to do so.  A more accurate description, however, would be this: It’s like Raiders of the Lost Ark, only for retards.

Walker…I mean, McConaughey plays Finn, a guy obsessed with something called the Queen’s Dowry, a centuries-old Spanish treasure which may or may not be resting somewhere on the floor of the Caribbean.  When he finds a tantalizing clue about its possible location, it happens to be the very same day Finn is officially divorcing his wife, Tess (Hudson), who happens to be in the area because she’s working on a luxury yacht owned by a wealthy Englishmen (Donald Sutherland) and named after his clueless, bratty daughter (Alexis Dziena).  Somehow, following a truly excruciating re-telling of the history of the treasure, this fearless foursome sets off in hopes of uncovering the riches.

The crepe paper-thin clues they uncover sound like their being read by Survivor contestants trying to solve a puzzle to win an immunity idol, only I feel like I have more of a vested emotional interest in the outcome of Survivor.  With Gold, I found myself caught up in the whirlwind of unintentionally funny accents the film dared to offer: There’s a Canadian (Sutherland) trying to sound British, a Scot (Ewen Bremner) trying to sound Ukranian, a Brit (Ray Winstone) trying to sound like a hayseed, and Theo Huxtable trying to sound Jamaican.  Even the Caribbean is played by Australia.  It’s almost as if the filmmakers said, on the first day of filming, “Hey, if any of you want to do silly voices, just go for it.”  That’s the sort of risqué, groundbreaking techniques one should expect from Andy Tennant (Sweet Home Alabama), who directed and co-wrote Gold’s screenplay with the team responsible for Anacondas 2.

But let’s not forget about the two above-the-title stars, and the shambles that their respective careers are in.  McConaughey has somehow been able to parlay his good looks, affable charm, chiseled body and career-making roles in films like A Time to Kill, Contact, and Amistad into this?  Hudson isn’t much better; an Oscar nominee for Almost Famous right out of the gate, not to mention being royalty in a business known for embracing nepotism, and which of her vehicles can you say haven’t sucked out loud?

Not this one.  That’s for sure.

1:53 – for action violence, some sexual material, brief nudity and language