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Gods
and Generals,
the prequel to Gettysburg and the first episode in an
epic but non-sequential Civil War trilogy, is only slightly
shorter than the war itself.
Once you factor in the trailers, the commercials and the
intermission, this will be an over-four-hour movie experience.
I wouldn't even want to make out with Jennifer Garner for
more than, like, three hours. Who in their right mind would want
to endure this, besides 11th grade American History
teachers and those diehards who spend their weekends re-enacting
Civil War skirmishes?
After
kicking things off with a George Eliot quote and a montage of
period state flags (what better way to prepare an audience for
one-sixth of a day of utter tedium?), writer-director Ronald F.
Maxwell drops us in the post-Fort Sumter South and shows us the
important events leading up to Gettysburg in 1863 (where the
trilogy's second film, which was also made by Maxwell, takes
over). His is a
choppy, fractured story line that tries too hard to encompass
everything, unfortunately telling not one of its many tales very
well.
Anyone
who managed to make it through Gettysburg (the movie, not
the battle) might be a little confused by the casting here. Martin Sheen played Robert E. Lee in that film, but the role
has been taken over here by Robert Duvall (John
Q.). Jeff
Daniels (Blood Work) reprises
his role as Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain, but Steven Lang (Trixie),
who played George Pickett in the first picture, appears in Generals
as Stonewall Jackson. As
if that, or the 158 speaking roles (according to the official
site) weren't enough to confuse the bejesus out of a normal
person, wait until you get a load of the lack of cohesive
uniforms worn by the two bickering sides. Even the Dead Rabbits were able to get their shit together
and dress alike. Authentic?
Maybe. Confusing
as hell? Absolutely.
The
three main characters here are Chamberlain, a college professor
who gave it all up to enlist; Jackson, a religious nut from VMI
with a tricked-out beard; and Lee, the US Army vet who found
himself caught between country and state (wait, you mean Robert
E. Lee isn't just a car that Superman's dad drove?).
We see them take part in exciting events, like Virginia's
vote to secede from the Union (ever watch C-SPAN?), and wordy
soliloquies about the history of battle and, of course, God and
His almighty goodness. But I guess that's better than the battle
cry of today ("Let's go get us some A-rabs!").
Fortunately, none of the Southerners had yet acquired
NASCAR accents, so it could have been a lot more irritating.
If
you're looking forward to Generals for its battle scenes,
you may be in for a rude shock.
The War between the States must have taken place back
before men were made of flesh and blood, because there is
precious little of either to be found here.
No flying body parts or decaying bodies.
No deadly projectiles whizzing by anybody's head.
But there are cheesy battlefield explosions and laughable
miniatures attacked by carefully placed smoke bombs and
fireworks. Reloading
of weapons? Hoo,
there's plenty of that, too. One endless battle becomes
completely indistinguishable from the next. Braveheart,
this is not. It's
not even Gangs of New York.
Want an entertaining Civil War flick?
Rent Ang Lee's horrifyingly forgotten Ride
With the Devil, or just wait for Cold Mountain to
come out at the end of this year.
Maxwell
spared just about every expense in Generals, save the
costumes, the apparently bottomless supply of film stock and the
scores and scores of extras, who were largely comprised of those
aforementioned weekend warriors. As long as this train wreck is,
we don't learn much about any of its characters, aside possibly
from Stonewall's apparent and extremely uncomfortable courting
of a five-year-old girl. And
just when you think it can't get any worse, in marches a beaming
Ted Turner (he produced the film) in what will likely be the
most unintentionally funny moment in cinema this year.
Who does he think he is; Hitchcock?
Still,
Generals could have been worse.
The Jeffrey M. Shaara-penned book (his dad wrote the 1974
Pulitzer Prize-winning The Killer Angels, which was the
basis for Gettysburg) focused a lot more on Winfield
Scott Hancock (played here by Brian Mallon), but, thankfully, we
don't see much of him in Generals.
Like The Lord of the Rings
novels, the Shaara books come complete with maps, which help
pull the story together and make actions easier to understand.
There are no maps in Generals, but once you see
the wooden performances, the lack of maps probably won't matter
too much. Those of you brave enough to stick it out until the
very end might think the South actually beat those evil-doers
from the other side of the Potomac (Generals ends about
two months before the Gettysburg battle), but you'll also be
treated to the film's highlight – Bob Dylan's "Cross the
Green Mountain," which he wrote just for the movie.
And then you'll get to go home, which will be the best
part of all.
| 4:00
(with intermission) - |
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for
sustained battle sequences |
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