Agoraphobic Kim Basinger hasn’t made a film since her Oscar-winning role in L.A. Confidential.  For someone that’s afraid to leave their house, you might have expected her next project to be a low-key affair with generic settings so as to accommodate her limiting illness.  This makes Basinger’s decision to tackle the lead role in I Dreamed of Africa - a film primarily shot in Africa - such a surprise.  And Basinger is better here that she was in Confidential, but, unfortunately, trying to equate the two films would be like comparing apples and…well, dog crap.

Africa is based on Kuki Gallman’s autobiographical novel of the same name, and (kooky) Basinger plays the role of the author in the film.  As the picture opens, we learn that Kuki is a well-to-do single mom living in Venice with her mother (Eva Marie Saint, My Antonia) and seven-year-old son Emanuele (Liam Aiken, Stepmom).  After being badly injured in a car wreck, Kuki falls in love with and eventually marries Paolo (Vincent Perez, The Crow: City of Angels) a victim of the same crash.

Paolo is a thrill-seeker who dreams of one day returning to Kenya, where years ago he worked on a cattle farm with his brother.  As a little girl, Kuki’s deceased father would regale the girl with stories of his adventures on the Dark Continent.  So, logically, the two decide to pack up and leave Venice for a place in the African wild called Ol Ari Nyiro Ranch.

Of course, Kuki and Co. have problems fitting in, what with the poachers, lion attacks, struggles with the natives and dangerous snakes.  Their home is literally falling apart and, to make matters worse, Paolo leaves for days on end to play safari with his new friends.  Kuki spends her time worrying, fixing up the house, working in the garden and, although they don’t show it, tending to her hair, which is always quite pleasant-looking despite adversity attacking from every imaginable direction.

Africa was directed by Hugh Hudson (My Life So Far) and adapted from Kuki’s true story by Paula Milne (Mad Love) and Susan Shilladay (Legends of the Fall).  The film depicts about ten years in the lives of Kuki and her family, but they don’t really experience anything that we haven’t already seen before.  And unlike, say Out of Africa, there is absolutely no chemistry between Basinger and Perez (maybe Alec Baldwin had a rifle cocked and pointed at Perez during filming?).  The scenery is well-shot, but that and Basinger’s performance aren’t enough to salvage the film.

The problem with Africa is that the story never really goes anywhere. It’s kind of an unfocused mess, and ends up being a beautiful bore. Okay, Africa is dangerous and full of deadly animals and unscrupulous poachers - I get it.  But there’s going to be adversity wherever you live.  Africans don’t have to deal with traffic, school shootings, disgruntled day-traders or Republicans.  And they probably don’t have to hear about Elian Gonzalez, either.

Hey, Africa doesn’t sound too bad right now

1:52 – for violence, the depiction of animal murder and cruelty, brief nudity and mild adult language