There isn't a bigger Kevin Smith (Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back) fan in the world than yours truly.  That makes it all the more difficult to write this review of Smith's Jersey Girl.  The flick is a stinker; bad enough to have Smith's hardcore fans – were they not comprised mostly of stoners – rioting in the streets.  I seriously fought the urge to get up and leave during my screening of Girl, but part of me was convinced what I was watching was a big goof that would eventually segue into the real movie.  It never happened.  Girl just kept getting worse and worse.

I wanted to like Girl.  I really, really did.  As a critic, I know I'm not supposed to think like that, but that's how much of a Smith fan I am.  I have a feeling the people sitting around me at the theatre felt the same way, since they emitted the same kind of nervous laughter when Girl's first wave of gags fell flat.  Once I realized what we were all in for, the nervous laughter quickly turned to moans and groans.  There's stuff in here that will make "gobble-gobble" seem Shakespearean.

Girl is, clearly, Smith's attempt at making a different kind of film, and it reflects recent changes in his personal life (his daughter was two back when Girl was filmed).  And that's admirable, even though I'd be perfectly happy with a new ViewAskewniverse movie every two years.  Following five tough, R-rated films (one was originally slapped with an NC-17 just for coarse language) about people who refuse to grow up, it makes sense that Smith might want to craft something a little more sophisticated.  A wise man once said it would be difficult to live on dick and shit jokes alone.  Move over snowballs, stink-palms and Chinese finger-cuffs – it's time for the PG-13 Jersey Girl.  Whether you want it or not.

Ben Affleck (Paycheck) plays Ollie Trinke, who, in 1994, is the young shiznit in the Manhattan music publicity world.  He goes to the hippest parties, has a swank apartment, and blah blah blah.  Ollie meets and falls for Gertrude (Jennifer Lopez, Gigli), taking her back to Jersey to visit his widower dad, Bart (George Carlin, Scary Movie 3), before popping the big question.  Before long, Gertrude is knocked up and, thanks to a delivery room aneurysm, dies during childbirth.  Ollie and baby Gert permanently move to Jersey so Grandpa Bart can help out.

Flash forward seven years, where Gert (narrator Raquel Castro) has rather predictably turned into The Precocious Hollywood Stereotype Kid.  Ollie has mostly gotten over the bitterness about having to give up his fancy career to be a dad but still harbors some resentment over the situation.  That's pretty much the theme of Girl:  Do you want to be a Manhattan sellout or keep it real in the NJ?  The big finale involves Ollie having to decide if he wants to go on a job interview that could get him back in the game or attend Gert's grammar school play.

Despite what you may have read or heard, the problem with Girl isn't that Lopez is in it, or that her part may have been reduced in some way after the Gigli fallout.  It's not like she was originally supposed to be the eponymous Jersey Girl, and then they had to try to make a completely different movie in the editing room when the Gigli shit hit the fan.  Actually, Girl almost plays like that, but I'm pretty sure that's not what happened.  The problem is the same as with any other film that has sat on the shelf this long (Girl was shot two years ago and originally scheduled for release last summer):  It sucks out loud.

Bottom line:  If you see Girl expecting a Kevin Smith Movie Experience, you'll be sorely disappointed, and possibly more than a little angry.  If you go expecting a run-of-the-mill chick flick, you might be moderately entertained, as the audiences who voluntarily seek out chick flicks are, as a whole, fairly easy to please.  For the latter group, a lot of Girl's likeability is going to hinge on how you feel about Affleck and his performance, since this is his film to carry.  He's not as good as he was in Bounce, or in Smith's terrific Chasing Amy.  Affleck, just like always, gets the comedy parts and some of the light drama right, but looks confused when he really has to concentrate on playing his paper-thin role.  Carlin is the highlight of the peripheral characters, which include Liv Tyler, Jason Biggs, Stephen Root, Mike Starr, and cameos from Matt Damon and Jason Lee.

1:34 -

on appeal for language and sexual content including frank dialogue