We've already seen the Sarah Rose Cosmetics American Teen Princess Pageant in Drop Dead Gorgeous.  And then there was the Little Miss Fresh Squeezed Pre-Teen Talent Competition in Happy, Texas.  Plus the Miss American Miss Pageant in Beautiful.  Do we really need to see the Miss United States Pageant in Miss Congeniality?  Considering each of these films have gotten progressively worse, the answer is a blood-curdling no.

Congeniality stars Sandra Bullock (28 Days) as Gracie Hart, an undercover field agent for a Manhattan office of the FBI.  The early portion of the film establishes Gracie as a sloppy tomboy with no care for her physical appearance and an appetite that would make Rosie O'Donnell do a double take.  But we know that she can kick ass, as shown in a grammar school playground flashback where Gracie saves a geeky kid from a beating because, according to her, girls like boys who are funny and smart (I'm still waiting for this myth to pan out). 

And she still kicks ass as an adult.  We see Gracie working undercover in a Russian restaurant, but her bad instincts get a co-worker shot, and she gets busted down to a desk job by her boss (Ernie Hudson, OZ).  Gracie goes home to her sad, lonely apartment for one (like Mulder's, but without the porn) and hits her punching bag until tears roll down her makeup-free cheeks.

Things begin looking up for Gracie when a terrorist known as The Citizen sends a cryptic note to the Feds.  Apparently, the criminal mastermind will do something dastardly to the nationally televised Miss United States Pageant in San Antonio's Alamo Dome, and it's up to Agent Eric Matthews (Benjamin Bratt, Red Planet) to stop the threat.  His plan is to have an undercover agent enter the pageant to give the FBI an inside scoop on the behind-the-scenes goings-on.  A search for female field agents under the age of 35 nets only two hits - a woman on maternity leave and Gracie. 

Flash to the obligatory montage of Gracie being worked on head-to-toe by a team of professional beauty consultants who desperately try to turn the loser into a looker.  Of course, beneath the manly shoes and dress shirt, Gracie is a fox with a great rack, a swell personality and the ability to blend in with a group of 49 girls who make her sick.  The man in charge of Gracie's unbelievable transformation is Vic Melling (Michael Caine, Get Carter), a perfectionist whose girls have won 10 out of the 11 contests he's worked.

Most of Congeniality's jokes revolve around Gracie's inability to walk in high heels, so you know we're not talking about highbrow humor here.  There are a handful of really lame red herrings that the audience is supposed to believe is The Citizen, but nobody should care enough to put that much thought into the mystery.  Plan on the standard madcap finale, where The Citizen is revealed, and Gracie and Eric finally get to smooch.  It's a paint-by-numbers film that runs too long considering its lack of content.

It shouldn't come as a surprise that Congeniality's pedigree isn't exactly the stuff of legends.  Director Donald Petrie's last film was the horrendous My Favorite Martian.  The screenplay was written by Marc Lawrence (The Out of Towners) and Katie Ford, the latter of which is a former CEO of Ford Models (and they said all models were dumb).  The highlight of the film is a pompous supporting role played by the equally pompous William Shatner. Murphy Brown's Candice Bergen also makes an appearance, showing evidence that she is slowly turning into Bea Arthur.  Bullock, who also serves as Congeniality's producer, is merely mediocre, and is still looking for a film that can put her back on top again.  Sandy, baby, this ain't the one – and before you get any bright ideas, neither is Speed 3.

1:50 –

for sexual references and one scene of violence