If you think this is the latest Blair Witch spoof, you’re dead-wrong (and probably a victim of the non-stop internet ads announcing its video release). This story takes place some six centuries ago in feudal Japan and the rustling in the woods is actually a giant boar covered with what seems to be millions of earthworms. Ashitaka sees this creature bearing down on his village one day while riding his red elk through the forest. He believes the animal to be a threat (wouldn’t you?) and slays the beast, but not before it gives Ashitaka both an ominous message and an itchy arm rash.

Instead of being hailed as a hero, Ashitaka (voiced by Billy Crudup, Without Limits) is banished from the village as a result of the injury to his arm. Even though he is the Prince and the last in the bloodline of a family that was driven from town 500 years ago, Ashitaka is told he is suffering from an evil infection and booted out into the surrounding forest to die. While the infection may not actually be evil, it does bestow Ashitaka with some strange powers. When physically confronted, he is able to knock the heads and arms off adversaries with a simple bow and arrow.

Desperate to learn the mysteries of the giant boar and seeking a cure to his affliction, Ashitaka heads for Iron Town, an industrial village compromised of women that are nearly busting out of their tops. Why they don’t call it "Cleavage Town" is beyond me, as it would certainly be a boom for local tourism. Ashitaka meets Lady Eboshi (Minnie Driver, An Ideal Husband), the leader of Iron Town hell-bent on rampaging through the lush Japanese forests to use its untapped natural resources for iron production.

This puts Eboshi at odds with San (or Princess Mononoke), a human raised by the Wolf Gods. San (Claire Danes, Brokedown Palace) is intent on stopping the progress of encroaching civilization, which could threaten to disturb the forces of nature. The main force of nature is a creature called the Forest Spirit, which changes into the Night Walker at dusk. Confusing? Yes, but better than Night Walker, Texas Ranger.

The animated Princess Mononoke was a runaway box office success in Japan a couple of years ago, second all-time only to a little film called Titanic. The battle between environment and industry probably played well in Japan, but I just can’t see too many Americans getting into the story. In order for a cartoon to succeed in this country, we apparently need a linear plot and upbeat musical numbers. Look what happened to The Iron Giant. Never mind the complicated story - the half-wits here in America won’t even be able to tell Ashitaka and San apart. Okay, neither could I. They both looked like Speed Racer. It’s too long and violent for children and seems to be targeted to the small segment of our population that enjoys Japanese anime.

On the plus side, Mononoke’s landscapes look pretty fantastic, but not as good as Tarzan. Writer/director Hayao Miyazaki – a.k.a. the Japanese Walt Disney – has crafted a very intelligent story about the co-existence of humans and the forest. The version that will hit U.S. theaters was dubbed in English and spiced up by Neil Gaiman, who created a popular monthly comic called The Sandman. And there were these really cool cuddly little tree-dwelling creatures called Kodama that shook their heads and made a sound like the one that coincided with the appearance of the Tiki idol in the Hawaiian episodes of The Brady Bunch. A bit heavy-handed, but still enjoyable.

2:17 - for images of violence and gore