| I’ll be the first
to admit that I know precious little about the
whole Pokémon phenomenon that has captured the
attention of our nation’s littlest ADD
sufferers. I know the translation of Pokémon is
"pocket monsters," which sounds like
something you would hear in a seventh grade boys
locker room, or possibly as a feature at your
local porno theater. I know that the television
show gave a bunch of Japanese kids seizures. And
I know that I was secretly thrilled when it
debuted here, just because I thought the seizures
might lead to a "thinning of the herd."
You know, a good way to test that whole
survival-of-the-fittest thing. Now that
I’ve seen ninety-five minutes of Pokémon, I
know a few more things. I know that they resemble
a chew toy that you would buy for a dog – if
you really hated your dog. I know that the most
popular Pokémon is Pikachu, a yellow thing that
looks a bit like Ernie’s rubber ducky. I
know that Pokémon are kept in Pokéballs until
they are instructed by their masters to come out
and fight another master’s Pokémon. And I
know that once, in a billiard hall, I experienced
something very similar to Pokéballs, when I
walked into a horizontal pool cue.
The
theatrical version of Pokémon begins with a
twenty-minute short called Pikachu’s
Vacation. In the short we meet several of the
chew toys as they take a trip to what appears to
be a Pokémon theme park. Pikachu is responsible
for a baby Egg Pokémon while he holidays with
his friends the Turtle Pokémon and the Duck
Pokémon. At the end, prepare to be amazed when
the Lonely Pokémon, who ordinarily only cares
for itself, helps to rescue the trapped Dragon
Pokémon. The short is mostly composed of these
horrible bumpers that are supposed to serve as
transitions between the scenes. There’s
nowhere to go but up once the feature starts.
In the
feature, which is called Mewtwo Strikes Back,
scientists have replicated a Pokémon named Mew,
which was apparently the Babe Ruth of Pokémon.
The clone, called Mewtwo, is upset that it is an
experiment and goes Carrie on its
creators. Mew also hates all Pokémon masters
because it sees the relationship between them and
the Pokémon as more owner/slave, thinking that
the humans and the chew toys should not and could
not be friends.
Mewtwo
falsely leads the world’s best Pokémon
masters to a Pokémon convention at Pokémon
Center, inviting the protagonist, a young
Pokémon master named Ash. He’s the kid who
owns Pikachu and his little chew toy friends.
There is a big battle and everything works out.
Then I went home.
1:35
– Rated  for grossly
offensive
|
