The Pokémon marketing folks are Einstein-caliber geniuses.  First, they hypnotize kids with flashing, seizure-inducing lights which turn them into sticky little zombies that "Gotta Catch 'em All" (meaning collect the cards for each Pokémon character, of which there are hundreds).  Then they rush a cheaply made film into theatres every six months which introduces a handful of new characters and means more "catching" for your brainwashed offspring.

But the smartest thing they may have done is to release three horrendously bad films so close together.  This move has left critics wringing their hands, as they have already used every possible creative way to say the first two films sucked.  Lucky for you, I've scraped the bottom of the barrel and still have a few left.  How bad is Pokémon 3?  It's rub-hot-sauce-on-your-genitals bad. It's turn-your-head-and-cough bad.  It's George-W.-Bush-is-our-President bad.

That said, Pokémon 3 is probably the best of the three Pokémon films  Sure, that's kind of like debating whether Wrestlemania VI or Wrestlemania IX was better, but hey – it's a step in the right direction.  Like the previous two, it begins with what is, essentially, an unaired episode of the television show.  This time it's "Pikachu and Pichu," where everyone's favorite yellow squeak toy and all his pals take a trip to The Big City (a name is never offered).  They get chased by a rabid Pokédog and saved by two new characters, the Pichu brothers.  There's also some cheesy narration, because without it, nobody would have a clue what was going on - as I'm sure you all know, Pokémon don't talk.

The film proper, titled "Spell of the Unknown," is about a little girl named Molly, whose father is a well-known hunter of legendary Pokémon.  One day, he disappears when discovering some odd little Scrabble tiles called "The Unown."  Molly tries to unlock the secret of The Unown, but instead ends up having the strange tiles read her mind and build a fantasy world around her. It's a pretty decent intro, but then Ash and the other Pokémon trainers show up and bring with them a bunch of bad songs and more squeak toys than you can shake a stick at.  Ash and company try to stop the legendary Pokémon named Enteimon (also the producer of delicious baked goods available at fine stores everywhere), who is the force responsible for creating Molly's crazy new city.

Of course, there are numerous Pokémon battles, and you'll get to see your favorite little critters, like Duckémon, Catémon, Squirrelémon, Batémon, Rockémon and Bonémon.  And there are a slew of new characters, as well.  So adults – get ready to open your wallets.  The best part of Pokémon 3 is Ash's friend Brock, who doesn't open his eyes for the entire film.  At one point, when the Pokégang meet a girl named Lisa, Brock tells her she's got a cute Pokémon.  C'mon, Brock – she's no Judy Jetson.  And this is a kids' film.  Please keep it in your pants.

1:35 –

G for get my gun