Tom Hanks makes like Peter Sellers by playing a half-dozen characters in The Polar Express, a computer animated film version of Chris Van Allsburg’s adored 1996 short story.  But be warned: When I say “computer animated,” I don’t mean the good, cartoonish way, like The Incredibles.  I mean the unsettling “realistic” way, like Final Fantasy, with characters sharing the same creepy, dead-behind-the-eyes look of the robots in The Hall of Presidents at Disney World.  Or Kate Hudson.

Some folks might ooh and ahh over this kind of animation – the “motion capture” stuff that let Andy Serkis begat Smeagol in The Lord of the Rings trilogy – but you have to wonder about their mental stability.  “It looks so real,” they’ll say, which is kind of funny because it could have looked a lot more real had Express been a regular old live-action film.  It would have been much cheaper, as well – the price tag for Express cleared $160 million, which seems a little extreme for a film based on a 32-page picture book.

The animation also renders obsolete director Robert Zemeckis’s love of long, technically dazzling tracking shots, which he still uses in Express, only to much lesser effect since they’re not based in reality (one character’s lost train ticket becomes Forrest Gump’s feather).  This lack of reality also hampers any sense of danger Zemeckis (Cast Away) and crew try to establish – something, ironically, I felt in spades during The Incredibles.  The animation also saps all emotion from every character in Express, aside from from the annoying nebbish kid, who was clearly modeled after a Stand By Me-era Corey Feldman.

“Okay,” you’re probably thinking, “Ease up – it’s just a children’s holiday movie.”  You’d have a point if Express had a story that could overcome its visual issues.  Or at least not be actively anti-Semitic.  I mean, we’re talking about a film that is, essentially, about rounding up people who don’t believe in Christmas (in other words, Jews) and sticking them on a train to points unknown, with little or no explanation.  Maybe I used my brain more than I should have, but this was a pretty disturbing revelation.

The parts of Express that didn’t remind me of the Gestapo smacked of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, what with the golden tickets, and an authority figure/guide who is simultaneously friendly and little bit menacing as he stands between a pack of kids and what they really want, be it candy or presents.  But unlike Factory, the “magic” delivered in Express is forced and cheesy, as was the recycled Harry Potter score.

On the plus side, Express isn’t nearly as irritating as last year’s overly expensive holiday dud, The Cat in the Hat.  It would have, however, been much more enjoyable as a 30-minute television special.  The special 3D IMAX version, which will be in theatres soon, might be more worthwhile.

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