It’s about time Hollywood made a picture about a flabby, mutton-chopped bumpkin whose legions of brain-dead fans call him “the King.”  No, I’m not talking about Elvis, but rather Jimmy King, beloved World Championship Wrestling title-holder and owner of the longest winning streak in the history of the sport.  He’s also the “People’s Champion” (how’d I miss that election?) and the hero of Ready To Rumble’s two protagonists, who watch in horror as their idol is shafted out of his title as the film opens.

Gordie Boggs (David Arquette, Scream 3) and Sean Dawkins (Scott Caan, Black & White) star as septic truck workers in Lusk, Wyoming.  In between sucking “ass juice” (their term) out of port-a-potties and residential septic systems, Gordie and Sean eat, sleep and breathe wrestling, a sport they insist is real.  They each wear WWKD (What Would King Do?) bracelets and live for the high point of their week - television’s WCW Monday Nitro Live.

The dunderheaded duo drive their crap-wagon to Cheyenne to watch King (Oliver Platt, Bicentennial Man) battle Diamond Dallas Page.  Little do they (or King) know that behind the scenes, WCW boss Titus Sinclair (Joe Pantoliano, Black & White) has arranged for King to be mercilessly beaten and permanently kicked out of his league.  After DDP thrashes King, the teary-eyed trailer-trash crash their turd-truck and, believing that the accident is somehow related to King’s defeat, begin a quest to track down their portly hero to convince him to demand a rematch with DDP.

Gordie and Sean find King and get the rematch – a triple-steel-cage match in Vegas.  They also find him a trainer in a former wrestler played by the oddly cast Martin Landau (EdTV).  Things proceed as expected right through the end with the big wrestling finale - not so much of a revenge match between the current and former champs, but also a more subtle battle between King and Sinclair over who was responsible for popularizing the sport.

Rumble is lewd and crude from the get-go, with its opening scene featuring Gordie sticking a finger up his own pooper to con a Slurpee out of a convenience store employee played by the perpetually annoying Ahmet Zappa (webRiot).  The film, directed by Brian Robbins (Varsity Blues) and written by three-time Mighty Ducks scribe/star Steven Brill, is jam-packed with a bunch of modern rock tracks that were, like, so totally five minutes ago.  Arquette does a good job of screaming and acting like a retard, but is it really acting?

I guess I can understand the appeal of what is essentially an hour-long, action-oriented sitcom, but in my mind wrestling’s extravagant costumes, snug-fitting leotards and carefully applied make-up practically screams “Stand back, Laverne – I’m coming out of the closet!”  I have a feeling that wrestling fans probably look down on the sissies that watch figure skating, even though they too feature the same dopey get-ups.  I’m not sure which was scarier - the wide-eyed mouth-breathers around me that whispered “Sting” when the popular wrestler appeared on the screen, or the fact that Rumble was so bad that I couldn't even enjoy Zappa being violently thrown through a glass door at the end of the film.

In addition to portraying wrestling as “real,” Rumble also does a horrible job of casting Platt in the role of a wrestling champion.  He looks like he struggles to get out of bed in the morning, so how are we supposed to believe he can beat these gargantuan steroid junkies?  The film is a colossal waste of time but, if you insist on going, make sure you stick around for the outtakes during the closing credits.

1:49 - for adult language, crude humor, sexual content, brief nudity and wrestling violence