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When 2000
dawned, it looked like we’d have dueling Mars films, kind of
similar to the two films about computer-generated ants we had
back in 1998, or the battling volcano pictures from 1997.
Like those other movies, the Mars films were originally
scheduled to hit the theatres within a month of each other.
Ultimately, Mission to
Mars opted for a March release and Red Planet
picked a pre-holiday opening in November.
At the time,
it seemed as though Planet changed its date to distance
itself from the similarly themed Mission,
but it turns out that wasn’t the case.
Planet sucks, and its studio is hoping the film gets lost
in the dust that will be created by the freight train known as
Adam Sandler’s Little Nicky.
It’s a sacrificial lamb with knocking knees and
dingleberries stuck to its ass fur.
Planet
is set halfway through the 21st century, where our race has
apparently sapped the Earth of its resources, leading to an
extensive period of the development of Mars for human use.
They’ve grown algae and built a station that is
supposed to support a crew of scientists for over two years.
Everything seems to be going well, and then the oxygen
levels suddenly bottom out.
With no time to figure out why, humanity blasts six
people off to Mars. Here’s
the rundown on the crew:
- Commander
Kate Bowman (Carrie-Anne Moss, The
Crew) is in charge of the mission and acts as the
Mars-1 pilot. She’s
a tough, no-nonsense girl with a great rack.
- Ted
Santen (Benjamin Bratt, The
Next Best Thing) is the mission’s co-pilot.
He’s well-built, cocky and doesn’t mind letting
everybody else know how great he is.
- Dr.
Bud Chantillas (Terence Stamp, The
Limey) is the Chief Science Officer.
He’s an old codger (the only crew member who has
seen frogs in his lifetime) who has recently shifted his
allegiance from science to God.
- Robby
Gallagher (Val Kilmer, Joe the
King) is the mechanic.
Despite his intelligence, is often looked down on by
the other crewmembers.
- Dr.
Quinn Burchenal (Tom Sizemore, Play
It to the Bone) is a civilian bioengineer sent to
solve the mystery of the missing oxygen.
If you’re familiar with Sizemore, you’ll know
that him playing a doctor is a little more than a stretch.
- Chip
Pettengill (Simon Baker, Ride With
the Devil) is another civilian, but this guy is an
expert in terraforming. Which means he knows a lot about dirt and rocks.
Yawn.
- AMEE
is a robotic elimination machine that looks like one of
those Poo-Chi dogs. She’s
a cold-blooded killer when set in “military mode” but is
just as sweet as can be otherwise.
As you would
expect in a sci-fi/action film, Mars-1 experiences problems
minutes before the crew is set to leave for the rocky terrain of
Mars. In a spectacularly silly scene, the crew hurtles toward
terra firma in a pod that is covered with airbags that make it
look like an oversized bunch of grapes.
The crew is banged up, their pied-à-terre has been
trashed by some unknown enemy, and AMEE is on the loose and out
for blood. Oh,
yeah, and they’re out of oxygen, too.
There are
some plot holes wide enough to drive a space shuttle through in Planet.
The Mars-1 crew is supposed to be making the first manned
mission to the fourth planet from the sun, so who built the
place they were supposed to live in?
How does Gallagher get a solar-powered radio to work
after the sun has gone down?
At one point, the remaining members of the expedition
walk over 100 kilometers in 19 hours … including a stop to
sleep for the night. The best part may have been when Gallagher uses parts from
the ’97 Mars Rover to build a radio.
At least he knows where to find it.
Planet
is the directorial debut of Antony Hoffman and, with any luck,
somebody will confiscate his license to make any more films (he
can’t even spell his name right, for Christ’s sake).
The hackneyed script was penned by the Lethal Weapon 4
team of Jonathan Lemkin and Channing Gibson.
Even the cinematography from David Cronenberg regular
Peter Suschitzky is underwhelming.
| 1:50 - |
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for
adult language, brief nudity and violence |
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