Chen Kaige’s The Promise tries to combine the wu xia fantasy of Crouching Tiger, the over-the-top photography of House of Flying Daggers, and, in a rather bizarre turn, the Looney Tunes-y comedy of Kung Fu Hustle.  Needless to say, these ideas don’t mesh together too well.  Sure, there are insanely intricate costumes and headgear that looks heavy enough to snap a neck or two, but there’s also fake, choppy-looking action scenes, which are often sped up to look even more fake and more choppy.  In fact, just about everything is choppy in The Promise from the storytelling to the camera work.  The (alleged) romance doesn’t work, either.  It’s no wonder this film – originally titled Master of the Crimson Armor – was abandoned by the Weinsteins when they fled Miramax, and eventually passed off to Warner Independent.  PSB says 5.

Eightball, the Daniel Clowes alterna-comic that spawned the film Ghost World, once featured a four-page autobiographical rant about art school being completely worthless.  Clowes and Ghost World director Terry Zwigoff have turned that meager idea into a full 100 minutes picture called Art School Confidential which still rails against the same theme.  Syriana’s Max Minghella takes over the Clowes role as the first-year student plunged into a world of mentally-unbalanced students and failed artists-turned-professors whose nonsensical critiques make about as much sense as the tampon-in-the-teacup gag from Ghost World.  This might have played better if the same riffs weren’t already explored in Six Feet Under, but the HBO show never showed Claire wrapped up in a murder mystery.  PSB says 6.

Hard Candy is only 103 minutes long, but there are parts that seem to last for an eternity.  I don’t mean the bad kind of eternity, where you check your watch every four minutes, wondering when the whole stupid thing is going to end.  I mean the good kind of eternity, when you’re all wrapped up in a story that is purposely making you feel incredibly uncomfortable, in an In the Company of Men meets Audition kind of way.  Or maybe it had something to do with sitting next to my mother while I watched it.  Candy is an enormous calling card for director David Slade, screenwriter Brian Nelson, and star Ellen Page, who comes off as a pint-sized Cillian Murphy with the vocabulary of Veronica Mars pushed through a Canandian sieve.  PSB says 8.

Much like it’s obvious that Hard Candy was made by men, it’s equally obvious that Stick It was made with a feminine touch.  Writer-director Jessica Bendinger’s story about a world class gymnast-turned-suburban rebel-turned world class gymnast was a lot better than I thought it was going to be, mostly because of Bendinger’s unique vision.  The casting of Missy Peregrym doesn’t hurt, either – she’s the second coming of Nancy McKeon (do I want to kiss her, or get her to change my oil?).  Less successful, however, is the not-so-subtle finale when the gymnasts stick it to the film critics…I mean, judges.  PSB says 6.