In terms of being creatively bankrupt, this might be the greatest weekend in the history of American cinema.  We have a remake of an implausibly bad film (Herbie: Fully Loaded), a fourth picture in a series that should have been stopped after one (Land of the Dead), and an excruciating adaptation of a beloved television show (Bewitched).  The only Horseman of the Apocalypse missing is the one who likes movies based on amusement park rides.  My fellow Americans, I think the terrorists have won.

The funniest thing about Bewitched, a film about the behind-the-scenes goings on the remaking of the long-running small-screen series of the same name, is that nobody ever says, “You’re remaking Bewitched?  What an absolutely shitty idea!”  Writer-director Nora Ephron has finally completed her unholy triptych, following Hanging Up and Lucky Numbers, with yet another abomination.  But, hey – if you dig poorly-made romantic comedies that waste oodles of acting talent while being bland, full of shameless product placement, and 30-minutes longer than they should be, then more power to you (correction: Bewitched is only 100 minutes – it just seems like 130 because it just won’t fricking end).

Nicole Kidman (The Interpreter) is Isabel Bigelow, a witch who wants to abandon her powers and live the life of an average mortal.  Will Ferrell (Kicking & Screaming) is Jack Wyatt, a has-been actor hoping to revive his career by playing Darren Stevens in the aforementioned remake.  Jack meets Isabel and insists she play Darren’s wife, Samantha, without knowing she’s really a witch.  Endora?  Check.  Uncle Arthur?  Check.  Aunt Clara?  Check.  Abner and Gladys?  Check and check.  They’re all there, either in what is supposed to be the real world, or in the make believe television show.  Frankly, you won't know or care which is which (or witch is witch, as the case may be).

We never get to find out where Isabel came from, or what her life used to be like, or why she has decided to give up the whole tinka-tinka-tee thing.  Instead, Ephron seems much more concerned about shoehorning awkward overhead shots, and Bed, Bath & Beyond commercials into her film.  She gets credit, I guess, for having a vision, even though it’s a really bad one.  Personally, I would have tried to work on things like, say, having more than four funny jokes, or making Isabel/Samantha – formerly a beacon of ‘60s girl power in a male-dominated world – slightly less grating and moronic.  Will Ferrell?  Time to start reading your scripts again, pal.  You can frantically turn every turd into a diamond by screaming really loudly.  Steve Carrell?  You sound more like David Sedaris than Paul Lynde.  Amy Sedaris?  I wish we saw more of you.

Land of the Dead can’t hold a candle to 28 Days Later, or even the recent remake of its predecessor, Dawn of the Dead.  In fact, other than adding color and gore, not much has changed in George A. Romero's bag of tricks in the 37 years since he ushered in the modern horror genre with Night of the Living Dead.  The zombies are still slow, but they’re not any less hungry for your tasty flesh, either.

This time around, a large chunk of viewers will be audibly rooting for the undead to chow down as many humans as possible, on account of most “living” characters being extremely unlikable.  There’s Kaufman (Dennis Hopper), the Machiavellian ruler of a zombie-free country club-type paradise called Fiddler’s Green, housed in a Pittsburgh skyscraper.  There’s Cholo (John Lequizamo), the street-smart punk trying to buy his way into Kaufman’s upper crust by stabbing as many backs as possible.  And there’s Riley (Simon Baker), the pathetically boring protagonist who may as well have been played by Freddie Prinze, Jr.  Predictably, everyone pure of heart gets to live, and everyone who acts like a douche dies in some horrible way.

In this Dead installment (it’s Romero’s fourth, god help him), the zombies have developed low-level brain activity and are now able to communicate with each other via a series of grunts (they’re just like Republicans!).  And they can swim!  You know what that means, don’t you?  Zombie beach party!  I’m not sure who else I missed, but two members of the undead are played by effects wizard Tom Savini, and USA Today film critic Susan Wloszczyna.  Yeah, try wrapping your head around that last one instead of asking questions like, “Why do zombies have blood in their veins,” and “Wasn’t it funny when that one character said ‘It’s just like a videogame’?”  You know, because it is just like a videogame.

Romero is no director (his non-zombie offerings include prizes like Monkey Shines and The Dark Half), and his writing ability is rivaled only by George Lucas in terms of creating wooden characters and hey-I-just-woke-up-what-did-I-miss dialogue.  Land is an even less veiled look at the caste system that the other pictures in the franchise that should be put out of its misery.

Any rumors of Disney spending millions of dollars to digitally reduce the cup size of Lindsay’s Lohans can quickly be put to rest within the first few minutes of Herbie: Fully Loaded.  There’s a lot of PG-13 jiggling going on here, but I’m not sure it’s anything that should concern parents of potential viewers.  Instead, I’d be worried about a film about a car that “comes to life” when hot chick plants her ass into his lap.  Or the part where the car actually smacks Lohan’s rump.  Or the part where Matt Dillon races for Lohan’s “pink slip.”  Or the parts that promote street racing.  Or the part that gives the drivers of tomorrow the idea that totaled cars can be fixed quickly and for no money.  Or the part that teaches children its okay to lie to your parents and enter a major NASCAR event.  Other than that, it’s Loaded is a great film for kids.