"I deserve a fucking Oscar for this performance," or so says Maura Tierney's Pat McBeth in Scotland, PA, the filmmaking debut of the ER star's real-life husband, Billy Morrissette.  Tierney isn't pleading with Academy voters to recognize her acting job (though it is quite good) - the line is uttered in frustration as her character behaves like a mourner at a wake for a man she had a hand in killing.

But that scene doesn't happen until the film is more than half over.  When Scotland opens, Pat is a waitress at Duncan's, a dreary diner in rural Pennsylvania (actually filmed in Halifax) where her husband Joe (James LeGros, Ally McBeal) is the assistant manager.  He doesn't look it, but Joe's a pretty bright guy, suggesting potential ways to increase business to the restaurant's owner, Norm Duncan (James Rebhorn, Meet the Parents), only to be generally ignored.  This irks both Joe and Pat, who scheme over ways to wrestle control of the restaurant away from Duncan and his two kids that have no interest in the family-owned business.

When most fast-food employees express man-it-would-be-so-great-if-we-ran-this-place feelings like these out loud, they're usually talking out of their asses (I know – I've done it plenty of times and heard it even more often).  But not Pat and Joe – they actually devise and carry out a plan to murder Norm, which ultimately leads to them taking ownership of Duncan's (they assure Norm's kids they'll keep their dad's spirit alive, but immediately change the name of the place to McBeth's). Pat and Joe turn the place into a happening joint, pioneering such ideas as the drive-thru window and the combo meal to increase sales.

But then the wheels begin to fall off.  Joe's friend Banco (Kevin Corrigan, Grounded For Life) starts to get suspicious about Norm's still-unsolved death.  Lt. Ernie McDuff (Christopher Walken, America's Sweethearts), the cop in charge of the murder investigation, eventually shifts the focus of his query from Norm's two sons to Pat and Joe.  And Pat becomes obsessed with a grease burn on her hand obtained when she and Joe snuffed their former boss.

If it's been a while since 10th grade English class, or if you were buying popcorn during the "Story by" portion of the opening credits, Scotland's story is a modern retelling (circa 1975, anyway) of William Shakespeare's Macbeth.  Instead of Scotland (the country of), it's set in Scotland (the small Pennsylvania town of).  Instead of killing the Thane of Caldwell to begin his ascent to the throne, Joe kills Norm to take over the restaurant. Three witches don't prophesize Joe's rise to power, but three stoned hippies do (they're played by Andy Dick, Amy Smart and Speed Levitch).  And just like in the play, Joe tries to back out of the plan at the last minute but is prodded into murder by his wife.

Filled with Bad Company songs I thought I was tired of hearing, Scotland is more of a bitter, mean-spirited parody than it is a tragedy, and chances are you're either going to really dig it or think it's awful (chalk me up in the former category).  The folks who don't like it will probably still get a kick out of Walken's McDuff, whose vegetarianism, sub-compact car and inspirational tapes make him the best small-town cop since Frances McDormand's Marge Gunderson.  It takes a while for his character to show up, but it's well worth the wait.

1:44 –

for language, some nudity, drug content and brief violence