If forced to name a celebrity I'm completely tired of seeing and hearing about, the names Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron would be blurted out just after Jennifer Lopez and right before Kate Hudson.  Not only do Keanu and Charlize have ridiculous names, they've also appeared in three films apiece in the last six months, most of which were formulaic crap (him: The Replacements, The Watcher and The Gift; her: The Yards, Men of Honor and The Legend of Bagger Vance).  Hey, why not put them in a film together?  It's almost as if Hollywood senses I'm on the brink of a workplace shooting and is trying to nudge me off the fence.

Sweet November is a remake of moderately entertaining 1968 film that starred Sandy Dennis and Anthony Newley (think of a young Charles Grodin, only with charisma and hair).  Both films are about a dying woman who takes on one dysfunctional man each month of her last year on Earth in some bizarre attempt to...to...okay, I have no idea why she does it.  The 2001 version, lifelessly directed by Pat O'Connor (Dancing at Lughnasa), swaps the woman's cool Greenwich Village loft for a cramped San Francisco walkup and totally blows the ending, turning the subtle, well-done original into something extraordinarily unpleasant and plodding.

Theron plays Sara Deever, a less-annoying version of Jenna Elfman's Dharma. Sara is Hollywood eccentric, which means she has close-cropped hair, clothes that don't match and wears a lot of weird hats and scarves.  Her "November" is Nelson Moss (Reeves), an advertising executive portrayed as a high-powered, workaholic version of Darrin Stephens.  Nelson's life is ruled by his work and everything else, including his lovely but perpetually ignored girlfriend (Gilmore Girls' Lauren Graham), is pushed aside.  It's hard to tell if the character is a dick or if the actor is a moron (it's probably a little of both).

The two "meet cute" at the DMV, where Sara offers to make Nelson her "November."  Confused (a stretch for Reeves, I'm sure), Nelson writes her off as a kook, but takes her up on the offer after getting fired and dumped on the same day.  He's still wary of Sara's motives – heck, I'd be expecting her to turn into Kathy Bates in Misery, or find out Satan is somehow involved (Reeves and Theron were in The Devil's Advocate together) - but eventually they fall in love, otherwise there wouldn't be a movie.

When Nelson pesters Sara about her strange monthly arrangements, she replies, “I told you – I can’t tell you my reasons.”  He has no clue (another stretch for Reeves), so, apparently, he hasn’t seen November’s trailer, where Sara’s raccoon-like, sunken cancer eyes are prominently displayed, ruining the ending for anyone who couldn’t see it coming a mile away.  Sure enough, about an hour into the film, she starts acting mysterious, sweaty and tired, and you can only sit back and wait for the inevitable, which drags out with the exciting pace of a nursing home Bingo game.

The ending is so bad, somebody at my screening actually shouted, “Hurry up and die already!”  Okay, it was me, but you get the point.  There’s plenty of other stuff to get pissed off about, like the fact that it’s a Warner Bros. film that shamelessly plugs several of its products (America Online, CNN and Sports Illustrated, among others).  Look for the scene where Nelson and his buddy (Greg Germann, Down to Earth) talk to each other on their cell phones, even though they’re walking right next to each other (just like Clueless).  If that wasn’t bad enough, there’s also a karaoke scene where Keanu shows he’s a better singer than an actor.  But that’s kind of like saying George W. Bush is a lot smarter than people give him credit for.

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