In Three to Tango, there are not one, not two, but three leads that still are on the silver screen’s ugly stepchild. It’s a mish-mash of a ‘30s screwball comedy and a traditional love triangle, with a gay twist for the ‘90s. The story isn’t anything new – a wealthy man (Dylan McDermott) doesn’t trust his girlfriend (Neve Campbell) while he isn’t around, finds a non-threatening guy (Matthew Perry) to keep her company, and is surprised when the two fall in love.

McDermott (The Practice) plays Charles Newman, a married business tycoon that has been placed in charge of hiring an architecture team to oversee a prestigious $90 million museum restoration project in downtown Chicago. As the film opens we see that there are two design teams vying for the illustrious undertaking – the upscale firm of Strauss & Decker (respectively Bob Balaban, Jakob the Liar and John C. McGinley, Office Space) and the protagonist upstarts Oscar Novak (Perry, Friends) and Peter Steinberg (Oliver Platt, Lake Placid). Strauss and Decker bat first, dazzling Newman with both a big-budget presentation and accusations that their competitors are homosexuals. Although their display isn’t quite as mind-blowing, Newman likes Novak and Steinberg enough to hold a showdown between the two partnerships, with the creator of the best model declared the winner of the project.

Enter Amy (Campbell, Party of Five), Newman’s girlfriend deemed untrustworthy by him. Since he thinks Novak is gay, Newman asks him to look after Amy and to make sure she doesn’t become involved with any other men. Since his career is in Newman’s hands, the nebbish Novak agrees, despite his obvious attraction to her. Once he begins to fall in love with Amy, Novak’s alleged alternative lifestyle becomes public news as he is featured in a newspaper article titled "Proud to be Gay."

You can figure the rest out on your own – Amy thinks Novak is gay, so she changes in front of him and tells him all of her secrets and desires. They share many close, private moments, like simultaneously vomiting up bad tuna melts. But Novak just sits there and looks like a lizard with a bad haircut. The film’s gay stereotypes are unimaginative and probably offensive as well, with the audience likely questioning the sexuality of each character. Who is? Who isn’t? Who cares? Although the film is advertised with three leads, McDermott’s character all but disappears for a good portion of the film. And by "good portion," I don’t mean the good part. I mean the majority part.

Campbell’s performance is almost refreshing, compared to her bland roles in the Scream trilogy and the moody Julia on P.O.F. Her squeaky voice seems about two octaves higher than usual and conjures up memories of former Fox Wednesday night co-star Jennie Garth as she tries to sound sexy by making cute little bunny noises. Perry is basically Chandler on a really bad hair day and McDermott is practically invisible, leaving me to wish there was more Oliver Platt in the film.

If you look at the track record of the film’s stars, this disappointing result won’t be a surprise. Perry’s two films, Almost Heroes and Fools Rush In, grossed less than what he makes for one episode of Friends. McDermott is even worse, and his previous two movies, 'Til There was You and Destiny Turns on the Radio, performed even more poorly. On the other hand, Campbell made more than both combined for figuratively dining on tuna melt in Wild Things, not to mention starring in the blockbuster Scream flicks. But she’s hardly box office gold on her own (read: without either a hot script or a hot lesbian scene).

There is one scene where Amy and Novak discuss the use of the line "Let’s get outta here" in modern cinema, deciding that that could be the response to just about any line delivered by any actor at any point in any movie. I also used this line as a suggestion to everybody sitting around me after about twenty minutes of Tango.

1:55 - for sex-related situations and language