Prepare yourself for the Jennifer Lopez media onslaught. Her new record is due in stores just three days before her latest film debuts in theatres, and it probably won't be long before Puff Mommy is on Court TV testifying in boyfriend P. Diddy's trial for gun possession, bribery and the inability to create his own music. Since the entertainer has gone from critical praise for Out of Sight to tepid box office returns for The Cell to, well, being Puffy's bagman, you might be asking yourself, "How low can J Lo go?"

The answer is The Wedding Planner, an inane romantic comedy that makes you wonder if the Writers Guild hasn't already gone on strike. Lopez plays Mary, a successful, no-nonsense wedding planner who oversees expensive ceremonies and lavishly detailed receptions like a finely tuned military maneuver. Mary is good at what she does, donning a headset and watching the ceremony from a monitor like a television producer, and she's got a belt with enough gadgets to make Batman's tights fall down.

While she carefully plans memorable, romantic days for happy young couples, Mary's own love life is at a standstill. She was ditched at the altar several years ago and hasn't had a date in over two years. To make matters worse, her Italian father (Alex Rocco) keeps trying to fix her up with a young man from the Old Country (Justin Chambers, Liberty Heights). All in all, it's a pretty sad state of affairs for a woman to used to plan extravagant weddings for Barbie and Ken as a girl. Like she says, "Those who can't wed, plan."

But things start to become brighter for Mary. She lands the big wedding fish in Fran Donolly (Bridgette Wilson-Sampras, Beautiful), an affluent woman about to get hitched in a money-is-no-object wedding to end all weddings. And she falls head over heels for a pediatrician at a local children's hospital (Matthew McConaughey, U-571), too. Everything is coming up roses for Mary, at least until she finds out her dreamboat is engaged to Fran.

Planner, written by debut scribe Pamela Falk and Little Voice editor Michael Ellis, invents all kinds of ridiculous ways to get the two of them alone together, but nothing remotely interesting or comedic. A scene where she measured his inseam at a tuxedo fitting would have been a step in the right direction, but you won't find anything that entertaining here.  Director Adam Shankman instead chooses to fill the film full of sappy music. For the record, this is Shankman's feature film directorial debut, but he was a choreographer on some of the worst movies made in the last few years (Isn't She Great, Dudley Do-Right, Inspector Gadget, The Out of Towners).

The final scene shows how fiercely these filmmakers are committed to putting a quality product on the screen. It's supposed to be June in San Francisco (home of bad wedding films - see The Bachelor for more proof) but you can see the icy breath coming out of Lopez and McConaughey. The scene also abruptly shifts from the sunny mid-afternoon to the dark evening, simply to force the characters back into the setting in which they fell in love. Now that's romantic.

Just in case you've recently suffered a stroke, or taken a sharp blow to the base of your skull and can't figure out how a movie like this ends, they give the whole thing away in the trailer. If you've seen it, there's absolutely no reason you need to see the film. Save your money for J Lo's new record instead. Her acting is probably better in the liner notes.

1:45 –

for language and some sexual humor