Just what we need:  Another film about the mob.  Doesn’t anybody realize that the genre has already been perfected within the last twelve months?  If you want a mob drama, watch The Sopranos.  If you want a mob comedy, watch Analyze This.  You can even tell the idea has been overused when a mob spoof has been made (Mafia!). 

The Whole Nine Yards is about a dentist named Nick "Oz" Oseransky (Matthew Perry, Three To Tango).  He has his own practice and a nice house in a secluded Montreal neighborhood.  Unfortunately, Oz also has a bitchy wife named Sophie (Rosanna Arquette, Buffalo ’66) with a horrible accent, a wicked mother and an annoying little dog.  The couple can’t stand each other – Sophie because her husband is worth more dead than alive, and Oz because his practice is in financial shambles because of his late father-in-law’s creative financing.

One day, a mobster from Chicago moves in across the street from the Oseranskys.  Despite his claim to be “Jimmy Jones,” Oz recognizes his new neighbor as Jimmy “the Tulip” Tudeski (Bruce Willis, The Story of Us), a hit-man-turned-informant that testified against his former colleagues and moved to Montreal after thumbing his nose at the Federal Witness Protection program.  When Oz tells Sophie, she demands that he immediately fly to Chicago to collect a “finder’s fee” from a Turkish crime boss Yanni Gogolack (Kevin Pollak, End of Days).

Unsure that he wants to finger his new neighbor, Oz reluctantly flies to Chicago, but gets wrapped up in a scheme involving Jimmy, Yanni, $10 million and Jimmy’s voluptuous wife Cynthia (Natasha Henstridge, Dog Park).  Plans are hatched, double-crosses are set and surprises are planned, but the whole film reeks of “been there, done that.”  Most of the attempted jokes that aren’t revealed in the trailer mainly revolve around either the high dentist suicide rate or the fact that the French put mayonnaise on hamburgers.  We’re talking comedic gold here, folks.

If it wasn’t for Perry’s great timing and delivery, I would have left in the middle of the film, which is something I haven’t done since Willis’ last film, Breakfast of Champions.  The film is a mess and is poorly edited, as well.  Here’s an example of how choppy the film is:  At one point, Oz is shown leaving the Renaissance in Chicago, except his character was supposed to have just flown from Chicago to Montreal, and he was supposed to be exiting a hotel in that Canadian city.  And, of course, when Oz lands in Chicago, he calls a friend that works at the Tribune – when was the last time a cinematic character in Chicago didn’t have a friend at the Tribune?  It’s unheard of.

The only other redeeming quality of Yards is the performance of Amanda Peet (Isn’t She Great), who plays Oz’s assistant Jill.  Don’t be confused – Peet is also on the WB show Jack & Jill, where she plays Jack (since nobody watches the show, it probably won’t be an issue).  But I can’t tell if Peet is a charismatic actress with legitimate comedic potential, or if I was happy because she showed her boobs for an extended period of time.

Yards was directed by Jonathan Lynn (Sgt. Bilko) and written by debut screenwriter Mitchell Kapner, who also penned the upcoming action flick Romeo Must Die.  The film also stars Michael Duncan Clarke (The Green Mile) and Harland Williams (Superstar), but I would crawl the whole nine yards over broken glass to get away from ever having to see this picture again.

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