That’s the basic premise of Wild Wild West. Now let’s break it down:

Take out "Will Smith" and "Kevin Kline" because everyone knows that they’re the stars of this film. Take out "two U.S. Marshals to" because it’s common knowledge that Smith and Kline are reprising roles popularized by the ‘60s television show of the same name. Take out "a giant mechanical spider" because it’s already been rammed down the throat of you, the moviegoer, for several months (via the trailer). Take out "Kenneth Branagh" and "deranged madman" because the two are mutually exclusive and, therefore, should cancel each other out. Take out "from wreaking havoc on the country" because you should expect nothing less from a deranged madman. Take out "President Grant assigns" because…well, just because I’ve written myself into a hole.

What do we have left from our original sentence?

Stop.

Stop paying to see movies like this. Then studios will stop making movies like this and stop ripping off old movies and TV shows. Please make them stop.

West opens in 1869 Louisiana, where we encounter a terrified man with a giant metal collar around his neck. He’s running from a deadly spinning disc that seems intent on removing his head from his torso. It does. Then the film launches into its finest moment – the slick retro opening credits, which are a hopped-up version of the TV version. But it’s all downhill from there.

Smith (Enemy of the State) plays James T. West, the character previously handled on television by Robert Conrad. That’s right; Will Smith. Playing a U.S. Marshal in 1869. In the South. Anybody have a problem with this? I guess the filmmakers decided it was okay to cast West black so they could add the racism jokes and the hysterical lynching scene. Bruce Willis just wouldn’t have cut it in the noose. Besides, everybody likes watching Smith on the big screen so that we can forget just how annoying his yapping real-life wife is.

Kevin Kline (William Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream) is Artemus Gordon, a Marshal slightly more refined than the trigger-happy West. Gordon is content to work without a sidearm and almost seems too eager to don dress and makeup to catch his man. He also likes to invent things - like the airplane he quickly whipped up to beat the enormous spider. In 1869. Decades before Kitty Hawk. It actually made The A-Team look realistic. Gordon is also a master of disguise and, at one point, impersonates President Grant. Dave anyone?

Kenneth Branagh (Celebrity) handles the role of Dr. Arliss Loveless – previously a midget on the television show, but missing his legs on the big screen – a victim of the Civil War (and, more specifically, according to Lovelace, the premature surrender of the Confederacy). He also is short one lung, bladder, a kidney and approximately 32 feet of intestines, but does have facial hair that made me think of the Insane Clown Posse. Loveless has kidnapped scientists specializing in physics and hydraulics in order to build his death spider, which he unveils at the opening of the Transcontinental Railroad in Utah. Instead of a cool sidekick, he has three comely underlings: Amazonia (supermodel Frederique Van Der Wal), Munitia (Musetta Vander, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation) and Lippenreider (Sofia Eng). She reads lips. Get it?

Point the finger of shame at the crack staff of writers, who previously churned out earlier crap like Ghost Dad and Doc Hollywood. Don’t let director Barry Sonnenfeld (Men in Black) off the hook either. He’s 0-for-2 since abandoning films that don’t feature a character named "Lerch."

Other annoyances included Gordon’s invention of a primitive type of Kevlar, which stopped a bullet fired at point-blank range into West’s chest. There were a slew of hit-and-miss double entendres, mostly involving blacks and cripples. Then there was the ending, where Grant enlisted West and Gordon to create the Secret Service because they did such a good job protecting him. The Secret Service was actually created a few years earlier for the sole purpose of preventing counterfeiting; they didn’t protect the President until about sixty years later. And don’t forget the IQ-reducing theme song. I made my own up…

I just saw the Wild Wild West

It really put my patience to the test

I think it needed more zest

I wouldn’t recommend it to a guest

Let’s talk about Will’s Jim West

Black hat and black vest

He’s different from Conrad and the rest

‘Cuz this Jim is afro-tressed

Artemus is a little bit messed

He likes to make fake breasts

By pouring buckwheat down his chest

Calista Flockhart could sure use some Crest

Here’s the thing I liked best

Staring at Salma Hayek’s chest

Accentuated by how she dressed

She sure was doubly blessed.

1:47 - for action violence, sex references and innuendo