Remember Double Dragon and Super Mario Brothers? How about Mortal Kombat and its legendary sequel Mortal Kombat: Annihilation? Granted, the makers of these movies probably didn’t dust off the ol’ mantle in anticipation of winning multiple Academy Awards. Aside from MK’s soundtrack, they’re all pretty much a waste of money, time and film.

Wing Commander follows in the great tradition of game-to-screen failures and is actually not better than a sharp stick in the eye. That’s right – I would actually prefer to lose the power of sight in one of my eyes than see a film this wretched. Its story is deplorable and acting third-rate, but it has the common courtesy to keep its running time under 100 minutes. 100 mind-numbing minutes. 100 minutes that I would like to have back.

Commander is set in the year 2654 during an intense war between Earth people and these cat-like people called Kilrathi. As the film opens, the Kilrathi have just destroyed a big Earth spaceship and have sent a huge fleet to wipe out our planet. And they can arrive in our solar system very quickly because they have stolen something called Pegasus Navicom A.I. that tells them which black holes to fly into in order to save time.

Luckily, us Earthlings have two hothead fighter pilots on our side. Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Matthew Lillard (both from She’s All That ) deliver a secret message that’s been entrusted to them by the Admiral, then join a rag-tag squadron of other fighter pilots. Then they fly around and blow stuff up and save the world – nay, the universe. And that’s pretty much it. There is very little air combat, practically no decent special effects, and you barely get a glimpse of the kooky Kilrathi soldiers. So, that leaves you with Prinze, who is a horrible actor, and Lillard, who is downright ugly. That’s an equation that doesn’t equal big fun regardless of what galaxy you’re from.

Writer/Director Chris Roberts, who has no feature film experience but created these characters for the second and third installments of the popular PC game, should not only be strung up by his thumbs but should also be beaten about the head and shoulders with a blunt object until his face resembles red pudding.

Like my old Aunt Pearl used to say, "If you don’t stand for something, you’ll go for anything." Of course, that doesn’t have anything to do with Wing Commander, but every once in a while she would poop her pants and smell up the house. I would rather clean up her rancid feces than see this film again. Consider yourself warned.

1:38 – for adult language, some sexual content and adult situations