It’s a surprise to find out that Woman on Top isn’t a student film made by a couple of horny frat boys.  The picture is amateurish and uneven, and its female lead has giant breasts and a tiny waist.  And in case she wasn’t desirable enough already, the character is a fantastic cook, too.  The only thing keeping her from becoming a man’s idea of the perfect woman is the fact that she isn’t a mute.

It’s even a bigger surprise to find out that Woman was written and directed by two women.  The film is about a young Brazilian lady named Isabella Oliveira (Penélope Cruz, All About My Mother) who, as a child, developed a severe case of motion sickness.  Her unique disease kept Isabella in the kitchen, where she learned the intricacies of South American cuisine from the family maid.  Eventually, Isabella landed a job as a chef in a local restaurant owned by Toninho, the fisherman that became her husband (Murilo Benício, Orfeu).

Still suffering from motion sickness as an adult, Isabella has to assume control (or be “on top”) of every situation, whether is driving, dancing or having sex.  But the man-on-bottom sexual position is too much for Toninho to handle, and he begins seeking satisfaction from other sources.  Isabella catches him, and hightails it to San Francisco where she plans on moving in with a cross-dressing Brazilian friend named Monica (Harold Perrineau Jr., OZ).  Call me crazy, but if somebody told me that I could marry Penélope Cruz, but couldn’t ever have sex in the man-on-top missionary position, it would only take me about two seconds to accept the offer.

In San Francisco, Isabella has the typical cinematic rags-to-riches journey.  She’s unable to find work as a chef, but lands a teaching job at a culinary school.  Her first class features an erotic lesson about the passion of peppers, and afterwards, Isabella runs home to rub a photograph of Toninho all over her chest and crotch.  Yup – we’re talking about one strong female role model, kiddies.

Isabella’s teaching gig and good looks earn the attention of every man within a five-mile radius.  One of which is Cliff Lloyd (Mark Feuerstein, Rules of Engagement), a television producer looking for a slot to fill on his on-air schedule.  Long story short, Isabella winds up hosting “Passion Food Live,” a popular cooking show with Monica (who exclaims, “Holy Mary and Rhoda,” when she gets the news) as a sidekick.  Isabella begins to fall for Cliff, but also finds herself constantly pursued by Toninho.

The film tries to show men becoming bedazzled by Isabella’s cooking skills, but they’re really just a bunch of horny guys stepping on their tongues while they follow a hot babe around.  They don’t give a crap about what she’s cooking (the only time one of them tastes something she’s made, he burns his mouth), but seem to be hanging around for the chef to make double entendres about round coconuts and firm, ripe tomatoes.

Woman was penned by debut screenwriter Vera Blasi and directed by Fina Torres (Celestial Clockwork).  Failing to entertain in the slightest, the least the film should do is make you hungry (like Big Night), but it doesn’t even accomplish that.  You don’t even know which guy you should be rooting for to win Isabella’s hand.  With the burgeoning popularity of the Food Network and charismatic chefs like Emeril Lagasse, the film may have sounded like a good idea on paper, but in practice, Woman is just bad filmmaking.

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