I ordinarily don't like to go after an easy target.  It used to be a blast to mock the French, but then everyone started doing it after that country didn't back efforts to root out nonexistent weapons of mass destruction in Iraq (how could they, les bastards!).  I tried applying the same logic to Gigli, at least before I saw it.  Since the buzz was unbelievably bad, and the few critics who screened the film before me had such a great time bashing it with all of their might, I thought it might be fun to approach the film in a positive manner.  "Even if it's bad," I reasoned, "it might be so bad it's good."

So much for my optimism.  Gigli is a gargantuan piece of shit and deserves a place in the Bad Movie Hall of Shame.  Put it higher than Showgirls (because that had the balls to push the nudity envelope) and the unholy trinity of Glitter, Battlefield Earth and Gods and Generals (because those were vanity projects forced through the system).  Gigli, which was originally slated for release last November, is the biggest waste of talent since Full Frontal.  Or maybe even Ishtar.

It's no surprise Gigli's writer-director (Meet Joe Black's Martin Brest) and producer (Joe Roth) brawled at a less-than-positive test screening earlier this year.  This picture is so awful, even I fought the urge to punch someone once it finally ended (which was about 40 minutes after it should have ended). It's a movie about contract killers with precious little violence.  It's a nightmarish blend of Rain Man and Chasing Amy.  It's full of long-winded speeches that say absolutely nothing, which makes Gigli a little like The Matrix Reloaded.

Ben Affleck (Daredevil) plays Larry Gigli (rhymes with "really"), a doofus heavy for a SoCal mobster named Louis (Lenny Venito, Men in Black 2).  Larry's latest assignment is to kidnap the retarded brother of a federal prosecutor.  He manages to do so with shockingly little effort, but once he accompanies Brian (newcomer Justin Bartha) back to his apartment, Larry learns Louis has sent a second fixer to make sure nothing gets screwed up.

That's the meet-cute (or meet-dumb, in this case) for Affleck and Jennifer Lopez (Maid in Manhattan), who plays lesbian hitperson Ricki.  He's all tough and impulsive and old school, looking like he just teleported here from the '50s.  She's cool, calm and collected, and practices all manner of crazy new age crap.  Can you already feel the sexual tension?  If you can, you certainly won't be able to once you actually watch Gigli.  There is zero chemistry between the real-life lovers, at least from an adult point of view.  Kids might be the only ones stupid enough to buy into this mess, but thanks to what must be one of the all-time worst marketing blunders, Gigli is rated R, mostly for its crude language and sex talk.  If they purposely went after an R-rating, why not add some skin and a lot more violence?

Everyone is raving about Gigli's brief cameos from real actors (Christopher Walken, Lainie Kazan and Al Pacino, who won an Oscar for Brest's Scent of a Woman), but I think they just seem great compared to the rest of the bullshit on the screen.  Kind of a pleasant distraction, like when your doctor busts out with "Baby Got Back" during your colonoscopy.  Using the same logic, Lopez seems like a downright capable actress when paired with the hapless Affleck, and that's a statement that literally pains me to type.

2:00 -

for sexual content, pervasive language and brief strong violence